New Year, Same you, just better. | Awake at the Wheel | Ep 43

all the research is clear. Intrinsic motivation is always far more powerful than extrinsic. That's why kids love to learn until they start going to school. And now you're learning not because it's for the sake of learning, but because you're getting grades or you want to be punished or you want to earn your parents or the teachers admiration, respect or love or whatever. Hello and welcome to Awake at the Wheel are so as 2023 comes to a close, it's natural for us to think about what we hope for in 2024. With that often comes New Year's resolutions. But today we're going to discuss whether or not New Year's resolutions are a great idea, whether they stick or if there's a better way to do it. We often hear the phrase New Year, New Me, and the New Year is certainly a great time to punctuate the end of one period of time and starting another. And what better time to focus on self-growth? But oftentimes we do find in there stats support the fact that New Year's resolutions last, I think something like three weeks into the year, especially when it comes to fitness goals. So certainly goals are a great thing, but perhaps there's a better way to do it. Well, yeah. So every year I used to be asked on the TV or radio, you know, what is your advice for New Year's resolutions? And I always say the same thing. Don't do that. Was it? That was short interview. Okay. Because, yeah, they they are designed to fail in many different ways, at least the way that people do it. So you and I will talk about the right ways to, let's say, set goals as opposed to resolutions. Yeah. So I would say and I often talk about this topic because I think that it is, you know, no pun intended at the core of everything we do, but we need to evaluate our core values when it comes to setting goals. I think that all too often perhaps people are arbitrary or they think that something magical is going to happen because the calendar turned over and they're suddenly going to be motivated. But one of the most important things to identify first is what are my core values and perhaps what is something that I'm doing in my daily life that does not honor those. And then how can we turn that into a goal or a meaningful change that we actually want to make? Right. And that's in my upcoming book. That's the very first point of making sure that the these goals align with your values. Number one. Number two, making sure that it's something that's fulfilling, whether it's in the now or long term. Because if you're trying to, let's say, cut down on drinking or unhealthy eating or exercise or whatever, it doesn't feel filling in the moment, I get it right. But if we look at the long term goal, there's a long term aim of the say, you know, I want a more fulfilling life. Let's see if I'm if I'm taking care of my health now. Well, when I get a bit older, then it'll be easier to let's say, let's see, I like to travel. Well, it'll be easier to be able to go on those excursions and so on. When you know you're in better shape and you're not going to magically get in better shape in your sixties or seventies or something, you start doing whatever age. Now. So you find something, a hook, something where you can say, This is why it's important to me and this is why New Year's resolutions are so, let's say, designed to fail, which is you're not doing it for yourself. I mean, in theory you are, but for the most part you're doing it because someone else has determined that this is the thing that you're supposed to do or you're doing. So they can tell your friends or whatever else like that. No, no. Choose. And by the way, my first thing is I tell people instead of New Year's, okay, the worst time to do it. You're you're dealing with all the stress and the hangovers and the family dynamics or whatever that. Okay, that's not the best mindset. And you know what people say, okay, I'll turn over a new leaf, whatever. Well, in theory, it sounds good, but if you want to hit the gym, let's say it, depending where you live, if you're up here in Canada, you want to hit the gym in January. It's not a pleasant to walk or drive or whatever to that gym. I tell people the better time would be spring. Symbolically, it's, you know, it's life. We're coming out from the ugly season and it's a rebirth and everything like that. So I say, you know, if you need to choose a date. But ideally, as as I said a few minutes ago, instead of doing a resolution, I would just say it's not some grand thing. I just will, you know, almost every day if I can try to. You have to find a new goal every day. But I'm saying just to remind yourself, here's a goal I set, you know, a few months ago or a few years ago, whatever. And how am I doing with that? Am I still trying to be healthy? Am I still trying to read more books? Here am I trying to cut down on my social media use or something like that? Right. It's a day to day ambition rather than some grand resolution. Absolute. And yeah, as far as when to set a goal or when to make a change, I often recommend one's birthday as well because it is of personal significance and a good time to reflect on the previous year. If a year is a timeframe that's useful and meaningful for people. Right. And if you think about like years, there's calendar years, there's fiscal years, whatever else, it's arbitrary. January 1st, it's arbitrary. There's nothing magical in reality about that particular date. It's just that we've decided to ascribe value to it. So as you say, whether it's your birthday or something else, find some other time again. That's why I like just this ongoing thing where it's not a particular date. But if you need to start, fine. But again, I just think that any time I instead of framing it as I need to start on this date, it's more about what can I do? That again, will enhance my sense of fulfillment. And if I start on a Wednesday that has no particular date, but if I do it that day, I know afterward I'll say, Hey, I did it. I didn't have to. It's arbitrary. It was random, but I chose that on this particular day. I'm going to go to bed at a reasonable hour rather than scrolling for the next 3 hours. I did a great I felt fulfilled by doing that. Absolutely. Yeah. So a framework that we often use in therapy, which many may have heard of, are smart goals. So smart standing for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant or realistic and time related. So this is a really good structure that one can use because it helps you to recognize, Well, is this goal actually something that I can do and follow through on, or is my head in the clouds with it? So looking at, you know, specific, that means like not, well, I want to be happier or I want to be healthier. Narrow it down a little bit more. Well, what exactly does that mean? Well, I want to be less stressed. That's still a little bit too broad. Healthier could be. I want to I want to lose 5 pounds or I want to have more energy when I wake up in the morning. So, again, something that you can really zero in on so that it's not so broad, that it's not achievable. So the measurable part, what that talks about is, you know, is there a way that you're going to be able to tell if you've reached that goal? So the easy one here is weight. It's measurable because I want to lose five pounds and I lose five pounds. Yes. Then I've met my goal as far as the achievable part with the the letter A so achievable, is this doable or is losing five pounds completely outside of the realm of possibility because of my lifestyle or health conditions or whatever the case may be? So looking at that really closely in terms of what letter am I on, I am a so are relevant, relevant or realistic, you know, that ties into whether it's achievable, I think in many ways because if it's not realistic, you're probably not going be able to achieve it in terms of relevance, is it something that's actually important to me, like we were just talking about? Is it relevant to my life? Is it relevant to the lifestyle that I'm looking to achieve? And then the last one is T, which is time measured. So putting a time frame around it because if if we're, you know, to open ended about it, it's probably not going to happen. Right. And you know, the everything described those are all the steps in my book as well. And so I just add a few more things here, which I think are what drinking word game that's not going to make me do what happened in the previous episode. I had written every 5 seconds. I was gonna say, Goal, but no, that'll be all the time. So I'll do. Much. That's too much. I'm going to go with pragmatism or pragmatic or practical. Any of those words. Yeah, Yeah. So because what you're talking about, all of those that it does boil down to, you know, being practical, which is why, again, a New Year's resolution is not use that practical, okay? Even I'm going to lose a lot of weight. Well, let's be pragmatic about, okay, what's it going to look like? How are you going to achieve it? How are you going to know if you've earned success or achieved success in that and so on? And then we talk about specificity. One of the things is about those about time limits and set specific specificity. If someone says, I want to lose, let's say, 30 pounds by the end of the year, well, again, that's it's nice goal. But when like it's too vague, I mean, it's a specific target. But if you're like most people, okay, well, now I'm one week away from the end of the year and I haven't lost anything, so I'm going to just cram it in because so many people we do this, we learn with school, with work or what have you. A lot of people like to just, you know, without that deadline, we don't feel motivated to do it. So I say have a bunch of intermediary goals. So it's not thirty pounds by the end of the year. If it is thirty pounds, I say fine at the end of thirty pounds. But I'd like to start with, you know, like one pound in the next two weeks or one week, whatever the case may be. Right. And again, back to pragmatism. If you say, okay, I'm going to lose one pound per week and you know, and maybe it works, first of all, one pound, I mean, that's water or whatever. But okay, but an example, right? This is easy example. Yeah. We're going to stick with the weight loss, which is the same thing, by the way, that I chose with my my book as well. Weight loss is always the easiest one. So let's just say it's one pound per week and you do it for, let's say five weeks straight, well or ten weeks straight, great. But the reality is we know that that the weight starts changing, coming off differently. So you're building muscles and you're actually gaining weight and so on. Right. You need to be flexible. You need to be adaptable or adaptive and recognize that, you know, things might change, circumstances might change, or, you know, whether it's diet, you know, let's see someone trying to stick to a strict diet. Now they're in a job, though, where they have to go every day. There's meetings, there's whatever. And if you don't go out, you're going to lose this promotion that you were aiming for. You've got to be flexible, have to go, Whoa, that's not working out. I need to change things up a little bit, you know, find another way, right? The rigidity is going to prevent you from being able to get to achieve your goal. Okay? Rigidity is not pragmatic at all. Is the opposite is the antithesis almost not by definition, but by in reality. And that is all these these intermediary goals. So you aim for a certain amount of weight. For example, for one month can be a week, can be a month, three months, six months, and then you check and see how you're doing. And if you realize, oh, okay, I'm three months in, I'm definitely not going to lose those thirty pounds once again, be flexible and say, what do I need to change? Maybe that you said earlier, maybe I need to be more realistic. Maybe this thirty pounds, it's not going to happen or once again find a different way to do it. But if you just set this vague goal or even a specific goal way too far in the future, you know, there are so many ways that you're going to, you know, that you're going or that you're going to miss realizing, woops, I'm doing it the wrong way. Okay, there's so many opportunities, I should say, you know, just to check and see whether you're doing it right. So having those built in, you know, mini goals or mini targets along the way allows you to be able to analyze, assess and evaluate and see whether, you know, I'm doing it the right way. Right. And by the way, so many different ways to either lose weight or this or that. Right. So, again, checking in every once in a while to see is this practical and pragmatic and effective for me? Absolutely. And exactly what you described there is the biggest culprit for why New Year's resolutions don't work and don't stick. And to add to that, I think that oftentimes when people do set the bar to unrealistically high or too broadly, they kind of feel like crap when they don't achieve it. And that then just further discourages them from either working on it or setting a different goal or adjusting the goal. So that's why it's so incredibly important to like be kind to yourself, but also be realistic about what goals you're actually setting. And, you know, self-improvement is such a wonderful thing, but you really have to evaluate what you can actually do. Right? And that's one of the other steps, which is have successes and partial successes. So and that's why because if you if you wait for the whole year to see whether you succeed or not, that's ridiculous. But if you go, okay, I'm going to instead of weight as mean you smoking now just, you know, just to make it a bit easier, right. If someone says, I smoked two packs a day and I want to be non smoker by the end of the year, fine. Okay, then let's work backwards and say what is that going to look like? So for the first week, what are you going to do? Are going to cut out one cigaret a day or you go down to three or five, whatever the case may be. So if someone says, for example, I want to smoke five fewer, say ten fewer cigarettes within the month. All right. Actually, I want to say within the week of say I'm going to smoke five fewer cigarettes I smoke two packs. So say 40 a day, 50 day, I'm going to cut down 10%. I'm going go five fewer by, you know, in the first week. Well, five fewer is your goal for that week. If you do three, that's a partial success. If you do two right and have it, have it specifically like saying, okay, and if I even cut down just one, that is a partial success, right? Most people go, I didn't get the five. I'm a failure. Reframe it to well, one fewer than yesterday then last week is better than last week. Right. It's a start. Don't And the only way you feel and I one is if you coast on that go well okay one is good enough no one is not good enough. It's the bare minimum. And you're going to build on that because the whole idea is and what people really need to understand and everyone and everyone knows this, but they don't really double down on it, which is we build on our successes. Most people, their program, they look for the failure. No, get a success. You didn't cure cancer. You didn't split the atom. If you smoked one less cigaret this week than you did the previous week. So let's not, you know, give you give you a parade right now, but at least say it was a start. And if I can do that, I can build on that. It's all about framing and reframing. So I mean, so much of what we do is about that. Yeah, Yeah. And to that point of framing, so a real life example. So I've spent the last year and a bit with some pretty significant fitness goals. So I had a history of not really working out, not practicing what I preach. I talked to clients all day long about how important exercise is for the brain, and yet I wasn't doing it, so enough was enough. And I really got down to it. I got a personal trainer and worked with her for six months. It was amazing. So in working with this individual, so of course most of the people she's working with have fitness goals. So I really love the way that she frame things at the New Year. Last year was rather than setting a goal, well, I want to look a certain way or I want to be a certain weight, she said. Pick a word that is going to guide all of your fitness goals. So the word that I chose was courage. So if I you know, because my schedule is Monday, Wednesday, Friday, if a monday night rolls around, I just don't want to go. I need to reframe it with the word courage of I'm going to muster up the courage to go and do what I want to do so I can achieve my goals. So I thought that that was really a cool way of reframing it with something really simple, like one word. I love that because you know so much of what I do, I know you do as well as we're trying to find ways to activate that. Whatever it is that gets you to do what you want to do. So there's all these tips, there's books, there's all these things that sometimes are too complex or too difficult, something simple, whatever it is, whatever resonates, that's what we're aiming for. So I do like that. And if someone goes courage, really courage, because you're going to a gym on a monday. Well, yeah, it sucks. Exactly. And I look at words. Yes, words have meaning. You and I have even done a podcast about that. You know, they have definitions, but there's also personal meaning. So if you ascribe a certain meaning or whatever to a particular word, if that's what it takes, great. I love that. You know, it's ever does whatever it takes to get you going. That's we're aiming for. And I'm going to add a few more things again is what we're doing. So the whole idea and everyone's different, by the way, actually this is one of my later things in my book, but I'll say it right now. All right. Just because if someone says, well, she said courage, so I'm going to use the word courage too. Well, if it doesn't resonate with you, then it's not going to work right? Fine. Whether it's the word, whether it's the system that you do right, it's different for everybody. So do some research, look around, check it out and everything like that, and find what works for you and recognize that you know that some things, you know, it might work for 99, not 100 people. You might be the one person that doesn't work for, okay, find something else. Don't say, Well, I'm the loser. I'm the failure. No, that particular thing didn't work. And so what I was going to say was the most important thing, one of the most important things that it's so 5050 is do you work on a system of punishment or reward? Okay, everybody's different. For me, rewards don't work because I know myself. I'm going to reward myself anyway. It doesn't work. I like the punishments, me personally, as punishment. So years and years ago when I was in university, I decided to quit smoking. So and for someone who was working full time and go to school full time and trying to raise a family and everything like that, you know, money was very tight. So I put a bounty on my head. I told everybody, I said, if you see me smoking, if I smell like smoke legitimately, okay, if I'm with someone who's smoking, I smoke. Not. But if you actually catch me smoking, I said I said, spread the word $50. I said, I will get $50. And that's what I did because I'm sorry. There's no cigaret that's worth $50 for me. Okay. Yeah. And that's what worked because otherwise I know like, Oh, well, whatever you do, I'll have one smoke after that. No, because I knew that I told people rat me out. I want you to. Okay. So I put the bounty on me. So punishment works for me. If other people have rewards, fine. And once again, same with the intermediary targets and the partial successes, if you like. If you say, Well, at the end of the year, I will reward myself. No, you might have a grand reward at the end of the year, maybe a vacation, whatever, if you can afford it. But the rewards or the punishments in those early stages as well, for the week, the month, whatever, you want to build on that and just have to be grand, make it small, something like that. And if you say I'm going to smoke, you get five fewer cigarettes by the end of the week. And if I do five, this is what I receive. Okay, well, if you do three, receive something, If you do one receive something, maybe small. But again, you always want to build on earlier successes. And I think this ties into some psychology 101 concepts here, which you can elaborate a bit on, as I'm sure you lecture on this a lot, but developing one sense of intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. So essentially what that means is being self-motivated within rather than being motivated from things that are external to you, like compliments or could be a vacation even. But the intrinsic motivation is more about, you know, I'm doing this for me because I know it's going to improve who I am. I'm going to be healthier, happier, whatever the case may be. So really focusing on developing that internal dialog to motivate oneself. Right. And yes, all the research is clear. Intrinsic motivation is always far more powerful than extrinsic. That's why kids love to learn until they start going to school. And now you're learning not because it's for the sake of learning, but because you're getting grades or you want to be punished or you want to earn your parents or the teachers admiration, respect or love or whatever. So you're absolutely right. So what I tell people is some people naturally have that intrinsic motivation. That's great and so many people don't. So what do we do about that? Well, I say if you start off with some type of extrinsic, that's a carrot or or stick, right? That's what gets you started, I say. But that's just to in to to initiate the change. Try your damnedest. Remind yourself each time I know I'm trying to, you know, build up this intrinsic motivation. And if you do it a few times, you go, okay, well, hey, yeah, you know what? I woke up this morning and let's say that whether it's cutting down drinking or whatever else again, I feel a little bit better. Okay, Well, I like that. I like how that feels. So, you know, so I went to bed at my on time and everything like that. That's an intrinsic motivator because it internally feels good. And I know, like what it says about myself and everything. So start with the extrinsic if that's what it takes. Go for the intrinsic. And one of the the most common examples is if someone and some people will not like it, but because I'm very practical and pragmatic, I say it seems to work, so let's do it. Which is let's say someone breaks up with you, right? And and that's it. I'll say that. Okay. So let's say a woman breaks up this guy, he's feeling really bad and everything like that. I say, Well, you know what? Let's say, for example, go to the gym, get in shape. You're not in the greatest shape. Use the fact that she broke up with you to motivate you. Now, let's be clear on this. If you lose twenty pounds, you get ripped, you feeling good, you get your life together and everything like that. Well, she might still have or she might already have decided, No, I don't want anything to do with you. She might have moved on. She might be with somebody, whatever else like that. I say. So you're not doing it with the exclusive hope that you're going to get her back. Okay. That's not it. You're saying wouldn't it be nice if or even if she's with somebody, I want to walk by her and have her say, Damn, I wish I hadn't given that up. Whatever the case may be. I say, if that's what that image I thought, just like you're saying, courage, that word. Okay? If that thing motivates you, great. Once again, it would be nice if it's intrinsic, but if you don't have that natural fire, find something else. But again, you have to commit to saying eventually it will be an intrinsic thing. Once I start going to the gym and realizing I've got a routine or I'm like, you know, I feel or whatever the case may be. So whatever it takes externally to get you started. Okay. And by the way, I don't know if we talk about the power of spite. Have we done that? Have we have. Okay, so just as a callback, I always tell people, okay, if you live purely by spite, if you go, oh, I want to show her and you live for the rest of your life just because you want to make sure that she knows that she lost the best person, whatever else that you're going to die prematurely, you're gonna be bitter and miserable. If, however, you use that just as a spark to get you going, go, Oh, I'll show her rather than. Oh, my God, she broke up with me. I'm a loser. I'm never going to find somebody else. Or it's far better to go that route. The power of spite. So start with that and then commit to saying, But eventually I'm going to make yours as for me, it's fulfilling. It's again, it's living in line with my values. Yeah, absolutely. So essentially it's important to recognize that, yeah, we all need some external motivation, but ultimately the majority of our motivation needs to come from inside because if we're solely relying on these external forces, they're not going to stick and they're only going to be superficial goals. Exactly. And speaking of external forces, the next now this in actually notes I'm going to say that I used to say all the time the reason one of the reasons I think they said earlier that one of the reasons resolutions fail is that people just seem to have this inherent ability to screw things up. Okay. There's a way that you can do it right. But there are so many more ways that you can do it wrong. So the next step, if you do it right, it will help you. If you do it wrong, it's you're going to fail miserably, which is eliciting the help of others. Just like with me, I put the word out put the bounty on my head and it helped me stop smoking. All right. So for some people, the so the whole grand proclamation on New York, December 31st, you know, I will lose fifty pounds or I'm going to stop drinking or But you say to everybody, well, that's the wrong way to do it, most likely, because for a lot of people now they're invoking or potentially invoking shame because they know they put out this big thing to everybody. They announced it. And if there are, you know, even one weekend, they go, oh, my God, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it this psych themselves out. And they're carrying that shame. Now, maybe you're excluding yourself from other people. Now you're, you know, you do Every time you going go and see friends, you still what you're wondering, even if none of that, nobody says anything. Still in the back of your mind, are they going to ask me of how my resolution is? Right. You're causing so much damage to yourself. If you find a couple of people that you trust that you know are not going to judge you, they're just going to be there as and you know, to aid you, whether it's, hey, I want to go to the gym. Do you want to go to the gym as well? Having a partner that's good or saying to the person, I want you to hold me to account. I have this system of rewards and punishments, okay? And one of my favorite punishment ones is that you find a group or an organization or something that you despise. And if you don't, do we supposed to do something or you have to donate to them or you have to volunteer for them or something like that? I heard about that many, many years ago. I just love that punishment. Okay, so you have someone because I know me. It's sometimes like, would I really punish myself if it's only up to me? I don't know. Okay. But if I have other people and I hold that, they hold me to account right, then it's it just it feels like it's more motivating for me. And I had so many patients who tell me saying, just just putting it out there and telling me that's what they planned to do. It does have to be resolution. It's a goal. Okay? It doesn't matter, but you're just putting it out there. I hold them to account. That's one of the values that I bring. Right, is just so having someone that you trust that's not going to turn, you know, make you feel shame or whatever, who's just going to be there to hold you to account and to to distribute the punishment or the the reward? I think that can be good as well. So, again, it has to be done right. Oh, and by the way, you also have to have set rules with them. Okay. Do do they come to you and ask or are you supposed to go to them? Because if they are asking you now, you're feeling they're nagging you now it's going to demotivate you. Now you're going to feel resentment toward them. You don't want that. You have to tell them exactly how the system is going to work. Again. And to that point, something I often recommend to clients and have done myself for for my own fitness goals is back to our values. So what is a way in a kind way that we can trick ourselves or that we can kind of game those values? So an example that I'll use from myself is and I recognize that everybody can't access a personal trainer, they can be costly. But for me, the reason the reason I enlisted this personal trainer is because one of my values is I'm not going to no show. I'm not going to leave someone hanging. So I know that if I have this appointment every Monday and every Wednesday at 6:30 p.m., I'm going to show up. Even if I don't feel like it. Same with booking classes. I attend classes at the gym for the same reason that I am not the type to no show. If I have an appointment, I'm going to, I'm going to do it. So identifying what some of those things are within yourself that are going to help to keep you accountable are also helpful. Right? So you're using are people pleasing to add to that? You're being a bit good. I know what I am. Or I would say this more about that. I'm joking of the people pleaser. That's the sense of responsibility. So important though, that value. Yes. You know, and again, for other people, they don't care if they don't care about no showing or whatever, that that's the wrong one. Find what works for you. That's excellent. Again, it's in line with your values. Now, again, practical thought, whether it's losing weight, whether it's going to the gym, whatever. Right. It's being realistic about the setbacks, about the decreases in progress. Because here is again, the weird thing about human psychology and this is why, for example, many addicts that if they don't have the right system in place, it's so easy to fall off the wagon if you have a minor setback. Let's say you made 20, 25 steps towards your goal and you have a minor slip. The people with unhealthy mindset think you're back to zero and it's like, Well, I can't do it again. That's it. I'm done. Right? Yeah. Versus saying, you know, shoot, I had a slip up. What happened? What made me more susceptible to that? Whatever. You know, maybe I've had three slip ups. What's going on here? Right? Don't wait till it's too late. You find it, be honest with yourself, you know? You know, I always preach about honesty, self honesty and everything like that. Recognize What was it? Was it the friends I'm hanging out with? Was it because I'm. I'm devoting too much time to do something else like that, whatever the case may be. Find out what it was on the practical level. Right. And also on the values level. As you say, we have to make sure that what we're doing aligns with our values because I've said this many, many times and we talk all the time. If you live in line with your values, you are going to feel fulfilled as you're feeling fulfilled. It doesn't matter what's going on in the rest of the world, you are winning at life. You're succeeding at life. So even if you haven't reached that £30 off goal yet, if you're living and saying, you know, I set this thing, I'm doing it pretty well and you know, I'm changing myself and and so on, that's it. You're winning. You are succeeding. If you even if you can reach that goal yet. And I think, you know, along those same lines in terms of what types of goals is that people need to be understanding of the fact that, you know, just because it might seem small or insignificant or not, something that your friends or family believe is a big deal, that doesn't matter if it's something that is going to bring you fulfillment and meaning and again, self-improvement, then it's worthwhile. Exactly 100%. And there was one other part about that that I was going to are different. I just I, I think they set us up perfectly. But I have one more practical point, which is habit stacking. Okay? It's so if you can find a way to attach whatever you're doing to something that you already do, okay, It's always good if you have a routine or whatever, just work it in because it's much easier to just to add to something rather than starting fresh. Okay. With the weight loss, I'm not sure what to do, but there whatever it is, and also back to the tips and everything like that. So someone said that, for example, if you want to work out, they say put your gym shoes, whatever, by your bed. Okay. So you see in the morning, you know that even if you don't put them on right then and there or you're have your clothes laid out or something like that, why even put them on? They say, even if just putting them on it increases your chance that you're going to do it. You might not do it. Okay. You might go, Oh, I just wasted again, unhealthy mindset. I just wasted 5 minutes putting or 330 seconds putting on my clothes. Well, I didn't go to gym or you say, you know what, It didn't work this time, but if I keep doing it, the pretty good chance that it will eventually kick in. Okay, there's a reason I'm doing this in advance. I'm going to go, Oh, this is why, you know, like, you know, again, whatever it is, and with the Internet, there's, you know, there's so many resources you will find which works for you, which wants to get back to what I said earlier. I want to be so clear on this. Let's be practical about this. One thing that works for somebody isn't going to work for somebody else. Find what works for you. Absolutely. I just want to double down on what you said and I think it's the most important, Okay. And it's something I said as well, which is again, people love to, for whatever reason, love to shit on their own, shit on themselves and whatever. It's not other people. Just because it may not seem like a big deal to anybody else, who the hell cares? And I'm going to switch that around to really drive home the point when I deal with people with phobias, I say this all the time, right? If you have a fear of butterflies, okay, and you're able to actually have a butterfly in your hand or to go to a butterfly exhibit, whatever they call a garden or something like that. Right. Okay. Maybe 999 out of a thousand people will laugh at you and think, really, that's your big achievement, right? You got to touch a butterfly, right? Well, that's the greatest that was your greatest fear at that time. Pick anyone is greatest fear. It doesn't matter. Butterflies or your own elevators or whatever it is. So it's the biggest for you to figure out what the biggest thing is for the other person. And they're probably not doing it. They're probably not challenging their biggest fear. Right? So same thing for this. Turn it around. If your goal is once again, even if it's going to bed half an hour earlier or scrolling less or whatever else like that, right? Who cares? It doesn't matter what it means to somebody else. Everyone's metrics are different and as. Absolutely. All these are different. So screw it. Whatever else thinks it's for your self, Which is why when you're eliciting help, if you say to somebody, I would like to do this, and it's the kind of person is going to go really, that's your goal. You're a loser, obviously is the wrong person. That's not the right person. Yeah, right, right. So you find the person. And by the way, here's the other thing. When it comes to sticking with resolutions, which we shouldn't be doing, we prefer goals when it comes to sticking with goals. And it's funny because or said I have I've had so many patients who are very critical themselves. Forget about goals just in general. They're self critical. Okay? And some of them are former athletes and they say, well, my coach was really, really hard on us and that's what I learned. I said, okay, well, let's take a look. The coach that berates their players, who humiliates them and everything like that. I said, for the top of the top cake, it works for them for the top 0.001% of athletes, whatever, it works for them. Okay. And guess what? If they're that good, they would have got that good anyway. So a coach being an asshole to them, it works for them. And if the coach was gentle, whatever, it might have worked as well, I think. But for everybody else, all it does is crush their spirit. It makes it not fun anymore. They don't want to do it. It demotivates them. Okay, So I say to them, I said, I don't care how whatever training you had back then, I said that critical kick your ass voice. It does work for a tiny, tiny proportion of people. That's why I. Dr. Phil Okay. I haven't seen him forever, okay? I just found him of the few times I what I found to be smug, sanctimonious, insulting, whatever else like that, that maybe, maybe change. But what I saw many years. Did change over the years. But that was my initial impression, too. So I'm with you. All right, good. That's what I haven't seen for that many years. So. And yeah, so you'd have people on the show who maybe are, you know, that that works for them, right? But that works like 5% of the population if that right for everybody else. Compassion, self-compassion and it doesn't mean oh yeah you know, I haven't gone to the gym for the last six months. I'm just being me. I love myself. It's not that right. It's recognizing. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I you know, I missed a week or something like that. What's going on? It's not the best. It's not a total failure. I need to, you know, again, it goes back to step one. Be practical, find out what went wrong, what else in my life is going on? Why am I lose my motivation and stuff like that? It's being it's judging realistically, but not being judgmental towards yourself. Yeah. And that ties in to what you said before that that real strong degree of self honesty and really recognizing, okay, you know, oh, I didn't go for six months. No, that's not okay because that align with my values as in line with my goals. And something else to consider is that, you know, one's ability to delay gratification and set a goal and work to achieve it and actually achieve it, to be able to implement that into one's life is such a strong, important quality. So, you know, it's not just about the immediate weight loss or stopping smoking. It's about developing this into one's character, which is so powerful. 100%. Okay. And then the final thing about that, which is and it's kind of again, it's kind of interesting that why, you know, I'm going to be hypocrite because I would never think to do this. I think this is insane. Why would anyone torture themselves like this? Not being facetious? Because it's really smart to do. I just I don't have the ability. Okay. Cutting out sugar or sweets or whatever. I know that's not going to be me now, could I? If I had to do it, could I? Of course it could. But I choose that I focus on other areas. But the point is people say if you, you know, does it cut it out for I forget how long it is, like three weeks or whatever they say. Eventually you're just not going to the taste for anymore. Right. So so thing is it so people think, okay, yeah, sure was able to cut off sugar for three weeks, but how can I do it forever if you go to a certain point and here's one thing people like there's this ridiculous, what do we call it, people who try to guide you or whatever, whether it's a health guru or whatever else, where they put these timelines. If you do it for 36 days, blah, blah, blah, okay. Or it takes this long to condition or, you know, to change your conditioning, it's not universal. Well, certain habits, certain, you know, certain changes, proclivities, whatever, it takes different periods of time. So for some people it might be three weeks. For others, it's only a week for others it's you six, six weeks, whatever the case may be. To assume that it's a set time of it is silly. At some point the change will happen. But here's a thing. People think, okay, so I can cut off sugar for three weeks, but I can't do further or I can go to the gym for six months, but I can't do it any longer. Why not? That's a crazy thing that people have this limit. They put the self-imposed limit. Once you've made that change, you can sustain it forever, you know, in theory or decision point. Right? You know, and again, I'm a hypocrite because there are certain things I did where, you know, for example, I cut out coffee for a couple of years, many, many years ago, cut it out completely, and I was able to do it. All right. Then I you know, I fell back on old habits for whatever reason. Okay, So I've cut down significantly. But, you know, in theory, I should have been able not, you know, to not drink coffee ever again and still function or whatever else like that. But things happen. I got tired, whatever else like that. I need that caffeine rush anyway. So what I'm saying is that for certain things you can maintain and again, it does have to be perfect, but if you're like, you know, 90% improved, whatever you do, there's no reason not to for the rest of your life. And once again, if you have a slip, if you have a setback, it doesn't mean you're back to stage one or stage zero. It just means you had a tiny bit of a, you know, a slip. That's all it is. I think that's perfect example of what we were saying before in terms of does a goal align with values? Now, I'll pick on your coffee example because I know you as a coffee drinker. So I laughed to myself like, what do you mean you gave up coffee? But I wonder if in situations like that where it doesn't stick, one often has a realization of, well, maybe this isn't terribly important for me to to give up or do or whatever. So that that could be part of it, too. Yes. One of my values is to be conscious during the day and to be a higher effective person. So I found that there. Was a concept. So, you know, hey, it's rationalizes it's self-serving rationalization. I get it. But that's, you know, anyway so. Well, I tried giving up sugar and that didn't work either because I'm a baker and I love dessert. I'm like, Oh, it was a dumb ass ideas. I'm with you. Right? But but here's the thing, though. But again, being practical, if like with coffee, for example, I drank some crazy amounts. Okay, I would have six of these literally in my office, you know, 12 to 12 like I do like a 12 hour, 14 hour day sometimes in my office, not leave. So I'd have six of these full of coffee, very unhealthy, like literally six of these a day. So I cut it down to like three or four. And I did something I said I would never do and maybe, you know, which I thought was it was blasphemy. I mix my coffee with decaf. So any given thermos. Yeah, I know. So any given thermos, it's like 2 to 1, it's 2 to 1 decaf. So two, two thirds decaf, one third regular coffee. So instead of having six full things now I'm to 2 to 3 as a 2 to 3 of these with only one third regular coffee, there is this thing called. Which was more realistic for you. Well, it's healthier. It's what it yeah, it's realistic. So I keep having the coffee and you know because my value there, I just I just love my coffee. Right. But yes. So anyway, so again, being flexible, modifying it in ways and some people could say is cheating, what is cheating? But it's again, much, much better to drink if, you know, like one quarter or one lecture maybe once sixth of what I used to drink, if not even less. So it's not zero, but it's far better than it was before. So it's still an improvement. Yeah, right. And if I found out if my doctor said to me by the way, oh, by the way, this coffee, it's destroying your, you know, your one remaining kidney. So then I have to value I prioritize my well-being, my life, whatever. So then I cut it out. But right now are you get I value being productive and being effective. And without my coffee at this point, I don't see that happening. So yeah. Yeah. So as far as what people can do with all of this, I think that again, we've covered tons of different strategies and ways to reframe things. I would say the one biggest thing is don't set New Year's resolutions because they don't stick. They don't work for all the reasons that we talked about. Be more realistic. Use the smart goal framework or the 14 steps that Oren laid out. Lots of overlap in the two, but find some structure that's going to work and to help keep you accountable. Right. Be flexible, be adaptive, be realistic. And and on that note, until next time, keep your eyes on the road and your hands up on the wheel.