Is Pretty Privilege Real? | Awake at the Wheel | Ep 45

What kind of person would do that? Okay. So it's just it tells you about that person's character or the state of mind at that time. Right. So on the one hand, we shouldn't be doing that. But again, going doing a 180 and saying, well, we should glorify this person. No, find some happy medium. And Hello and welcome to Awake at the Wheel. So in today's episode, we're going to be discussing the topic of pretty privilege. So we're living in a world these days where there's a lot more acceptance of, you know, people of all different shapes and sizes. And, you know, there's a lot more acceptance of body positivity, be who you are. And I think that this is, you know, certainly a good thing. In some cases, I also think that it's been taken to extremes. But nonetheless, I do still believe that there is an underlying presence of people interpreting and treating people in a certain way based on the way that an individual looks. I truly believe there is a psychological component to this that we, you know, let's use babies as an example. We love babies, and that is a genetic protective factor that they are cute and adorable and we love them because they need to be protected. So I think we can extrapolate that a bit into this whole idea of pretty privileged, where we do tend to perhaps nurture and care for and be kinder to things that look a certain way or look nice. Oren, what are your thoughts on that? Well, the research is you now clear that, yes, I think it was Dion You know, Dion and Dion from the U of T, I think was 72. I can be wrong on the date, but they wrote a paper called What is pretty is good. And they may I don't know if they were the first people but they captured this notion that there is a bias, that if we see someone who is attractive, we make certain assumptions about them and are I think I may have talked about this in another episode where they would have I'll just quickly reiterate where they had teachers look at descriptions of kids. All right. And it was exact same description. But in one pick, one in one condition, the kid was cute and the other kids in his condition, unfortunately, were not so cute. And the the teachers interpretations of the child, because the picture was was quite different. Right. Two kids were interpreted in a positive way. Not so kids, not so cute. Kids in a different way. And there's so many other context in which, you know, the person's appearance is interpreted one way or the other. So this pretty privileged phenomenon that we going to be talking about. I can't wait to see the videos and to see how it plays out because, you know, we're visual creatures. Right. Other other animals. I mean, there's probably smell privilege, actually, even among humans. There's research suggesting right now that the olfactory nerves or the olfactory bulb bulb and the nerves, you know, affect how we react to different people, even if you don't see them, just smelling them and so on. So, by the way, all that research is pretty sketchy at this point, even though some of the research is 20 years old and 25 years old. The interpretations just I want to tell people, because we always try to encourage people to be, let's say, wise consumers of the information they're getting. So there's all these studies, but I'm going to throw it out there just because I want on this tangent. Okay. But to the point of the fact is that there's something evolutionarily based biologically based behind these things. So there's a you know, there's even this dating sites now where you wear a T-shirt for, you know, like three days in a row when you go to bed and then you pack it, you send your T-shirt away and people will choose you based on the smell of the shirts. Okay. Like it's it was based on a study that was done. A number of years ago. And the only reason I'm saying that is the original study I used to teach about it. It seemed to suggest that women would choose men. Okay. Again, based purely on the smell that you know, that the better looking men. Right. Had a different smell, that the smell was more indicative of, let's say, of like it didn't smell as as repugnant as the less attractive men. So what they were saying was that good looks, it's a feature or it's a sign of good genes. They have fewer parasites, etcetera, etcetera, in their body, and that it's correlated with, again, a different type of smell. And that the women, by the way, only had this effect when they were ovulating, when you know that that's that evolutionarily speaking, that's the only reason that they would be, you know, caring for an attractive male or caring about an attractive male because they would want to have his genes all unconscious, all preprogramed. Right. So I know it's a long ten, but the whole point is on two points. One is that so much of what happens today, you know, into society is a reflection of, you know, hundreds of thousands of years of programing before the prefrontal cortex got as big as it did before culture affect. We did we have these biological, biological impetuses. But number two, that study that I'm talking about was so deeply flawed. And, you know, back then when it happened, I saw that the media reports on what the study found and it was so distorted. So as always, please, when you see a snippet or a tick tock video or something about some supposed study that claims A, B or C, please note, first of all, 50% of all studies, especially in the social sciences, are in the social sciences are not replicated, meaning it's garbage. It's just a fluke. It's something else like that. Okay. The researchers did find a sort of way just to get the results that they wanted, what have you. Okay. But the point is, don't jump on all these things. Go. Yes, I have some answer and this is going to help me or whatever. It's just preliminary. It's just one, you know, piece of potential evidence. Don't ever assume that this is fact so little. I'm sorry about the editorial, but no. And I think you brought up such an important point, though, that and I misspoke earlier. I said, you know, there's genetic basis limit, biological evolutionary basis for, you know, looks being a certain way in terms of being protective. But yeah, as far as women's sense of smell, I can't remember the number, but it is exponentially stronger than that of males likely from an evolutionary standpoint, what you said, to be able to detect and attract a male that is going to be good for reproduction. And of course, we live in a world now where that's not our only our sole purpose and our sole goal, But the fact is, are our bodies and brains are still the same. They still have those same abilities. And I'll go on a tangent a little bit here, because I imagine that some of these videos that we're going to watch, I'm just going to predict that there's going to be a lot of feminist propaganda about, you know, we don't have to look a certain way. We shouldn't have to conform to society's expectations, blah, blah, blah. And to an extent I do agree with that. But to another extent, I think that more people need to accept the fact that we live in a world that the first thing that people see is what they see. So our first impression is developed based on, you know, what you are presenting to the world. So no, you don't have to dress a certain way, but you do have to understand that that does play a role. Right. So I could go on and on, but I am sure that the videos will, you know, be something we can launch off of. So. All right, So let's let's be enlightened by the first one here. Did you know that pretty people can get away with anything? Even crime? Yes. Let me show you. In the 1970s in New York, researchers asked students to give a sentence to this person and this person they were both accused of stealing. But the most attractive one got a sentence five years lighter than the other because of something called the pretty privilege. It's one reason it attracted people, looked more likable, charming, and easy to forgive. And it's happens everywhere in the workforce. Good looking people gets hired, promoted, and even had better performance evaluations and less attractive people. Pretty privilege is a real thing. We need to pay attention to it. We discriminate our friends, our colleagues, even our partners because of it. But being pretty sure that's mean, you're trustworthy. So the next time you let someone into your life, ask yourself twice, Do you like them because of who they are or because what they look like? That's one minute. See you tomorrow. So there is an example of, oh, this study in the 1970s. I'm curious about the validity and reliability of those results, but that aside, I think that, you know, what he was saying aligns with what you were saying in terms of that study with teachers and the way that they perceive students based on the way that they looked in the way that they were reprimanded. But I think that what he's saying here is really important in so far as the workplace. I think that that certainly is something that plays a role. But again, that touches on what I said earlier, that we live in a society where we have to present ourselves in a certain way. I feel like I might get jumped all over for this, but that that's the fact of the matter is that we can't show up to, let's say, a job interview dressed like a schlub. Like this is common knowledge that you you present your best self in a job interview, for example, because that's the first impression that you're making. I thought it was a pretty obvious statement that he said where, you know, just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they're a good person. But I wonder how much of someone's looks do color their perception of that person and their personality. And I guess the last thing that I'll say is I wonder what role it plays when people, for example, if somebody gets a lesser sentence, sentence because they're they're pretty or they're treated better at a restaurant, you know, to extreme situations, but similar treatment. I wonder what role, what the provider of that treatment thinks they're going to get out of that. I imagine there is some connection there. Right. So, yeah. So it's just to go back to the point that you were saying a few things. One. Yeah. Let's not deny that there are so many things that are hardwired into us that, you know, from the beginning of time or beginning of, you know, this iteration of, of humans, you know, serve some adaptive evolutionary purpose. And so on the one hand, that's, as I said earlier, that this biological impetus, we have these impulses, we have these biases that we can't help. And for anyone to say, well, we should just override them and ignore and judge people based on ABC. Well, it's nice in theory, but I don't deal with theory. I deal with reality. Okay. Number one. Number two, even though we're talking about the, let's say, the biological underpinnings of all this, the fact is we also have these huge prefrontal cortex, these. So even though it can lead us in a certain direction, even though it can make us more susceptible to doing A, B or C or perceiving thing a certain way, we do have the ability to dampen it, to mitigate against it, to even prevent it from happening. If we are you know, if we're mindful of these things for aware of our biases and so on. So anyone who says, well, I'm not bias, right. You know, I don't see color. Well, that might be what you strive to do. But to pretend that there's not something happening. Is it 2% effective? Is it 90%? In fact, who knows how much it's affecting you? But to pretend that it's not would be to deny reality. And if you're denying reality, you can't make change. So there's nothing wrong with at least admitting to yourself that you have these, you know, these automatic reflexes. Basically, they are reflexes we can't help, but we make these interpretations before we're even consciously aware of it. So so when you think about what does a person like do people when they're treating other people pretty people or nicely are they think they're getting something out of it? Well, on the one hand, there's probably something unconscious happening, but on the other hand, yes, they are. And sometimes it's by the way, sometimes this fantasy is crazy. I'm going to give an example. Okay. Years ago, I was on this TV show and they would do these social experiments and I would always I'd always criticize the producers and tell them what was so wrong because I only had to review the videos and what happened and I'd interpret why these things happened. And I would just tear apart their studies. I'd say, What's so wrong? And all the confounders, everything like that. And they would go, Oh, we know, we know it's a TV show. Okay. But one of the things that they did was they had a woman who they had two different women. One was pretty hot or quite hot, and they did this quite a few times, the different contexts. And the other was not so hot. They called her muffin top and each of them had a diaper, suppose a dirty diaper, and they want to get some guy to put it in the garbage can. Okay, you know, like a little bit away. And the hot woman was more likely to get the guys to do it. Okay. And when you say about what is the person hoping to get out of it, I explained this. It's totally irrational, makes absolutely no sense. But I can tell you for a fact that it does happen. What percentage of people? I don't know, but there's this unconscious slash semi-conscious fantasy that, Oh, if I help this hot woman in the park with a child will sleep with me or whatever. Okay? It's like, okay, yeah. And, and I've spoken to so many men, students, patients, others. And again, because I'm not judging them, I'm doing this in the spirit of collaboration and interest and so on. They do admit, yeah, in the moment, are they thinking it necessarily so clearly? No. On the step back, they realize, Oh yeah, I have done this so many times. So yes, they're hoping to get something out of it. Now, one more thing before I forget that study about women getting attractive, people getting lighter sentences, that has been replicated at least once. I know. Okay. Well, but it depends on the crime, because what one study showed was that if it was a crime where the person where they felt that the woman was using her looks to her advantage like defrauding an older gentleman, they actually sentenced her more heavily because they were resentful of her using her looks. Okay. So when it's when it doesn't seem relevant to the crime, they just unconsciously maybe gave her a lighter sentence. But when they thought she used it intentionally, they were more likely to punish her harder. So fascinating interplay. So, yeah, and that's an interesting point. And I would which leads to my thought of, you know, clearly women who know that they're hot or know that they are desirable in some way are going to catch on to that. And that's going to influence their behavior going forward. And that said, to tie this to something we've spoken about before in terms of the dating world, I think that that lowers perhaps the quality of personality that people are putting out there because they're basing their desirability strictly on their looks and and nothing else. Yeah. And I think we talked about this in previous podcasts that, you know, if you if you won the lottery, the genetic like genetic lottery where, you know, you just happened to have been blessed with good looks or height or certain, you know, metabolism, body shape and so on, right. You know, have gratitude for that. Be thankful for that. Right. But recognize that if you bank everything on that one feature and don't try to work on these others. Right. You're not you're going to find pretty soon the hey looks fade. Body something accidents happen. You have to be a comprehensive person. I've worked with so many people. Men or women, gay, straight. Doesn't matter. Get older, young. I say the best. You know, you're never going to you're never going to be number one, whether it's about money or looks or dancing abilities, Whatever else I say, try to be in the top ten or 20% of five or six different attributes, that being the more rounded, comprehensive person, you're not going to get the immediate attraction that a Brad Pitt's going to get from other people. But you can you know, it's more effort, but you're going to be able to find people, you know, who are who do like that bigger package you're getting. And also, if people are going for you just because of looks, for example, well, pretty soon they're going to start getting disappointed. They're going to be resentful asking me the drinking word today, I believe I'm predicting resentment or resentment because it's because, as I think we've talked about this before, when you start dating somebody or going out with someone, you're not going, oh, with that person, you're going out with who you think they are, what you're projecting onto them, your fantasies, your unmet needs, your wishes, your desire. Okay. And if the person's attractive, you are unconsciously assuming so many positive traits about them. And so you're investing your time and effort and everything. You probably put up with so much more crap than you would have otherwise done. And then later on, when you realize, oops, I made a terrible mistake, instead of saying, woops, I made a terrible mistake, you focus that resentment on the person. They tricked me. They fooled me. They're not the person I thought they were, and so on. Okay. So got to be mindful of that. That's what's kind of the kernel. And to look at the flip side of that, if if you are only attracting people who are seeking out attractive people, what does that tell you about the partner that you're pairing off with here? If if they're that shallow and superficial that they only care about looks? That's got to tell you something about the future of the relationship as well. Well, exactly. So important is so again, to pretend that looks aren't important would be to deny reality. But if it's the only thing or if that priority. Yeah, okay. I know she's got three heads in the freezer, but man, she's hot case. If that's the kind of mindset this person has a what does it say about them? As you say, you know, the shallowness, the superficiality and B, how does that bode for the relationship? Not well. Yeah. All right. Well, let's let's see what's next, upset at RICO when he says, okay, I treat people better when they're pretty. But then you accept your pretty privilege or your life's game privilege or your tall privilege. Aren't you equally as wrong? Absolutely not. You want to know why I intentionally use my privilege to empower others? I intentionally use my privilege to help others. I include. I was not, though. It's not, though, for me. You get a free drink at the club. Who do you. Give it to? I might give it to my friend. Okay. In Robin Hood. A little extra. Money. Bingo. I will be Robin Hood of the privileged. I'll be. I think every single person has an opportunity to use their powers for their powers, for good or for bad. And I will pick to use my powers for good. If that means that we could use my face to skip the line and get to the front of the line. Cool. I just think to me that is crazy that somebody would say you're shallow, but then depend on the shallow people to win in life. That's wild to. huh? Okay, so where do I start with this one? I thought she was on to something at first with acknowledging the fact that she recognizes that, you know, she does receive privileges that others don't because she's an attractive female. But then she turned it into almost like, I don't know what word to use here, but like, well, I'm using my powers for good. Like, yes, I believe that, you know, whatever one's quote unquote powers are, you know, if they can benefit other people. Absolutely. But I feel like it was such a shallow example. Like, well, if I get someone to buy me a drink or we can skip the line, then I'm benefiting other people. No, you're not. That's not that's not anything, you know, actually meaningful or robust that you're doing with these, again, quote unquote, powers. But at the same time, I don't think that it would be a good idea for her to be a martyr and pretend that, you know, I'm going to turn away these opportunities that people are giving me because of my looks. I'm, you know, going to deny that the social construct that exists so that that wouldn't be a good idea either. Because back to what I was saying earlier, in terms of this exists, whether we like it or not. And I'm not suggesting that anyone maliciously take advantage of the fact that this exists. But if you can understand the way that the world works around you and you can turn that into something that's going to be meaningfully beneficial to either you or the people around you, why not? I honestly don't see a problem with that. All right. Oh, so many things that are both what she said and what you said. Okay. I agree with what you're saying. I'm going to jump off on that cake. So first of all, I'm going to introduce a word that everyone's heard, everyone knows, but a lot of people use it improperly when I have so many people, I say, what does rationalize mean to you? And I mean it's just another podcast. But people say, Oh, to come up with a rational explanation or a rational argument, logical argument, whatever, I go, Yes, but as a defense mechanism, rationalization is to make cheap excuses for why you do or don't do something right and it's unconscious and you're just trying to justify or again, to deny responsibility. And so when you were saying about her explanation for all the word that was coming to my mind was rationalize, rationalize. Okay. She's saying, well, yes, I can call these people out, but it's okay for me to do it, because when it comes to rationalization, it's self-glorification. It's making excuses for oneself. Okay? That's all I saw from her was, you know, if she had said, you know what, I get your point, I'm being kind of hypocritical. But and then explaining and showing why she does and so on, I would have had some respect for her, but she did not see the other person's point at all as she was being critical. Okay, So it's all rationalization. Okay, number one. Number two, and this is going to I'm going to be careful with my words. I'm going to be so careful. And I think we may have talked about this in other podcasts. But if you look at the most woke people, if you look at the most like, you know, the justice, the social justice warriors and all these other people, the ones who are causing the most problems in society today, the progressive, quote unquote. All right. One thing they have in common now, not all, but if you look at it and again, I'm going to sound like such a jerk and I can explain why. Again, I think we talked about it before, but the fact is, very few of them very, very few are conventionally attractive. Okay. And so instead of when they were younger and I do know we talked before about how the way people were in high school or junior high school, even in elementary school. But that can predict a lot about how they're going to be later in life. I mean, that determines how they see themselves, what where their value is, what rule is. You're talking about doing understanding the rules of society. The rules of society end up really coming into play in high school, especially because you're not the kid anymore. You're a bridging the gap, you're the adolescence. You're going to you know, you're gonna be an adult pretty soon and you're sort of seeing how the adult world works while in high school, right? So the people who if, if someone is very attractive or whatever, they learn that pretty quickly. And they again, some people are humble about it and they don't exploit it, other people do. All right. But the person who doesn't have these special attributes, they're not the most athletic, they're not the most attractive, they're not the tallest cake. They find other ways to climb the social hierarchy, right? They become nicer. They are more accommodating. They they develop a sense of humor. They they learn how to play guitar. Whatever the case is, they find a way to function better, the progressive walk and so on that we're seeing. And again, I hate to I'm not besmirching everybody and I know I am stereotyping, but we see what I interpret and many others interpret as people who never got the memo either. They think I shouldn't have to do that and they're just bitter and one second resentful toward resentful toward their peers, towards society, toward their parents, or not giving them these genes, whatever the case is, they never learned how to adapt, how, you know, how to compensate for their deficiencies. And so today, they are the most, you know, again, the bitters, the resentment and so on. You can see that they're just fuels. And again, back to rationalization. All right. None of them says, well, yes. Or very few of them sorry says, well, yes, this is why I am like this. Right. They just rationalize and they just say oppression, hierarchy, colonialism, whatever else, anything that prevents them from having to take personal responsibility. All right. And this is black and white thinking and this could be the other the drinking word for today is black and white, because you and I have spent so many podcasts talking about, you know, the let's say, the the damage done to individuals and to the two groups and to society when it's a black and white thinking. Right. There's lots of nuances, lots of gray in between. So once again, if you don't have certain privilege, find a way to compensate and don't expect it. And don't just be bitter and resentful toward those people who did. And I don't do the power of spite yet. In a previous podcast. I feel like we have spoken about that and. I just quickly reiterated. Of course. Because I deal with it so often, it's all about perspective. So there's people, people being people who've who've who've written books about this. But most of the successful people in the world, well, two things. One, they had adversity and or two, they were told by somebody either directly or they were made to feel this way, that you're not good enough. You'll never be able to achieve either that specific goal or anything else or something else. And so instead of saying, Oh my God, what cruel, terrible people and by the way, I'm not going to I'm not I'm not making fun of anyone who's who's been through that, especially if it's your parents. If your parents made you feel worthless, like, again, I'm not denigrating people for that. I have nothing but compassion and and empathy for people. And that's what that's what you and I deal with so many in so many cases, people don't matter. What they look like today does matter how successful they are. When they were children or adolescents, they had to deal with either hurtful, abusive or just rejecting types of people, whether their parents or their peers or teachers, whatever. So this is all said with compassion. Well, for some people it just broke them. It crush them, it othered them, and they weren't able to, you know, to move forward from that. But other people, for whatever reason, they have the hardiness and the resilience to channel what I call the power of spite. They they were fueled or motivated by this this harsh, this harshness, the rejection, whatever, and say, screw you, I'm going to show you. And what I tell people all the time. As I say, that is such a healthy perspective. Sadness, hurt, betrayal, all of that. Those are disempowering feelings, but anger, the power of spite. It motivates you, it propels you, and it before it causes you to do better. And you want to show those people. However, just one thing about that, I say if spite is the only thing that encourages you and motivates you to, you know, to do things that are good for yourself, you're going to die a bitter, you know, burnt out broken person because that will get to you. So I say, don't live through spite, don't focus on only that. But say in those moments where you have a choice, either you know, allow yourself to be crushed or say, no, no, I'm going to somehow elevate myself. I'm going to crush you. Whatever fantasy you have, just use it to channel to propel you into the healthy trajectory. But then after that, to try to find ways to deal with that so that you aren't, again, this bitter, resentful, broken, spiteful person. It's only a small burst, just a little burst here or there just to prevent you from falling into sadness, depression, feeling helpless. Yeah. And if folks want to check out our conversation about that, it was in our episode about work ethic and raising a winner. So we talked about that. Like that just came to me. But I want to kind of look at what you said from the flip side of things. And I'll I'll approach this with caution. But for anyone watching this on YouTube, I clearly know how to do my hair and my makeup and dress a certain way and look a certain way. But the way that I look at it is I have a number of things working against me. I am disabled, I am woman of color. So there's, you know, some disadvantage that may or may not come along with that. So I recognize that the first thing that I want people to think and know about me aren't those disadvantages that I have, but instead the way that I present myself to the world is in a manner that is that is appealing and is going to perhaps get me the how do I phrases put me in a position that is not going to highlight my disadvantages and rather present me in a way that is going to be the way that I want to be presented. And I dance around that a bit because again, I don't want to suggest that I'm, you know, conforming to society's expectations of women and, you know, whatever else anybody wants to say. But my point in sharing that personal example is that it is important to recognize that, yeah, everybody has something working against them. But if you can highlight or enhance things that aren't working against you, this is how we operate as balanced human beings. Exactly. And once again, it goes back to perspective. And you're right about we should we should people should watch our discussion with Hank or Henry about raising a winner. It's about perspective. And and I guess we'll talk about the dark side of pretty privilege work, because there is you know, there are advantages that come with that, right? Sure. But for everything, it's again, it's and I want to be so clear here because so many people on Tik Tok or whatever else like that, they just again, they don't bring the nuance that we try to bring, which is it's not to say that it's easy. It's not to even say that it's fair. It's to say this is the state of reality and to try to deny reality which little tangent here, but it's completely irrelevant. We know. We know for a fact that so many young people, especially the woke but so many young people are not getting the message of, you know what? Look, the world is not fair. You've been raised in luxury. You know, just a couple hundred years ago or even even 100 years ago. All right. You know, just trying to struggle to survive was, you know, was that's what your focus was on. The focus was on trying to, you know, to be to be able to eat, not on the grievances that people see every single day. So, again, so many people today in today's world, I know higher rates of anxiety, depression, etc., so many people feel so many things are out of reach. They can't get a house. You know, the water is going to poison them. Whatever the world is going to, World War three is going happen. Whatever the case is, I am not minimizing any of that. What I'm saying is, if you take a healthy perspective and realize, yeah, life really is difficult. And by the way, anyone watching this in North America, we're in, you know, one of the most fortunate places ever. There's privilege just the fact that we can actually watch the Internet. That's privilege, right? There always would be privilege. Right. So the point is. On the fact that we can freely discuss these from the privileged. Exactly. The fact that the Internet stopped being disrupted right now because bombs aren't falling on us like this so much. And this goes back to something we said so many times again, it's not to deny reality is not deny the hardship that you may be going through, but it's recognizing that if I have the right perspective and one of those elements is gratitude. If I can find one thing I'm grateful for it, just one. It's going to help just at least mitigate the impact of the grievances of feeling bitter and resentful that, you know, that I wasn't born this way or I didn't have this luxury and so on. So anyway, a little side note there. Yeah. All right. So let's check out the third one. what I find so tragic about these young, pretty conservative women. You're such a gaslighted demographic, because one of the pillars of this ideology that you're born into is that some people are just inherently superior and inferior. People deserve to be exploited. And sure, you know, women are technically property, but you you don't have to worry about that because you are hot property. Exceptions will be made for you. So you're more than willing to play into this needlessly cruel game because you've been assured that you'll win and soon the young winning man of your dreams will look at you and say, Yes, that is what I'm supposed to want. And acquiring her will make me look like a superior man. And on your way to your superior life, together, you will become his obedient, righteous, lonely domestic servant. Congratulations. Until one day you get a scary mammogram and you discover that he never signed up to be a nursemaid. And unlike you, the young 24 year old bleached blond at the office understands that he's the most important person in any room. And she'll have no qualms about poaching your mate because he's her ticket to a superior life. And at that moment, when the handle has snapped off of the basket that held all of your eggs, you might realize that you were flattered into giving your entire life away in service of a man who only ever saw you as a commodity because I assure you, that is how these men see you. And being hot property won't have protected you from a life of being used up and discarded. But here's the kicker. You'll have spent so much of your life into proving your own politics right, that you won't be able to direct that rage in the appropriate direction because that will mean admitting that you were had. So there you'll be a middle aged woman with a pert haircut and great Botox. Standing in line at a Kroger, making the fact that your life didn't turn out as promised into an assistant manager's problem. Because don't they know that exceptions are supposed to be made for you? Good luck and good luck. Damn, that's projection if I've ever seen it. But anyways, didn't I call it in the beginning that one of them was going to be a feminist going on about this, that in the end. I was holding, I want to say I said prediction met. Okay, very good. Yes. Okay. So okay, where do I start with this train wreck? Okay, So the fact that she brings in people's political views was was odd talking about these. I think she said conservative women. She did touch on something I mentioned earlier that it sounds like the man she's describing is somebody who only values looks. So she paints this picture of, you know, this this poor woman getting a devastating diagnosis. And then he goes off with the, you know, office hussy, whatever. Okay, great. That's terrible. What I found ironic, too, is that she appeared to be conventionally attractive. So that was, you know, kind of comical that she's going on about this, that and the other. But what a long walk that that's kind of what my takeaway from that is, is like holy crow what a long walk that you know from point A to the end of that video was that you know, I, I, I have a hard time believing that people like her her Kroger example has she said, you know you're going to be in the Kroger talking to the assistant manager saying exceptions should be made for me. I really don't think that people are that one sided in their understanding of how the world works and perhaps some are. But she's presenting this as black and white, that if you subscribe to this, you know, notion of being the pretty conservative woman, this is what your outcome is going to be like. So it's so one sided. It was such a long walk. And it was it was ironic, really. But yeah, and in another episode we were talking how people are making these videos and sometimes they have good points, but they infuse the video and the points with their own agenda and they make it so specific that it's hard to take them seriously. It's hard to see the whole point because it's so obvious what they're saying. So yeah, I don't know because I don't know her and I don't know what her other videos look like. All right? But to me, all I heard was anti-Conservative Rant. That's all right. What a stupid video. What a stupid point. Because, you know, I'm sure that what you describe fits a certain conservative male stereotype or female stereotype, but it's that has nothing do with politics. We can see that on the left, right center. It's this universal what she said and the point about being at a store or whatever. And yes, some people true like that, it's not so much, well, I'm upset with my life, so I'm going to take it out on this person. It's just that this person was raised to be entitled to be maybe narcissistic and not to to put emphasis on other aspects beyond your looks. And, you know, so then you look down on others if they're not as pretty. So it wasn't about everything else, she said. There were so many points that she made that if she had focused on them in the proper way, she could have had an impact. Instead, it was just, again, I see it as just a rant against conservatism or against conservative women. That's what I saw. It was. It. And you're right, she was describing a sense of entitlement. But to suggest that everybody is attractive is entitled to I mean, that's you know, that that's that's not reasonable. No. And here's interesting. I think we talked about this in previous podcasts. It's it's a reality. It's a stereotype. It's a cliche. And I've asked so many people and it's mostly what people end up getting it. Some get it like right in the spot, which is what And again, I hate to stereotype like this, but I've seen it. I'm going to give you two different things, if I may. So first, I say if you see, it can be men or women. All right but the more stereotypes of women. But the fact that it happens to men as well, if you see someone who is, let's say, traditionally very attractive. All right, or very well put together, etc., etc.. All right. And they have crippling anxiety or they're painfully shy or they don't have self-confidence or they're really humble. Right. Not what you expect. Not in every case, but in so many cases. I asked people, what do you what do I know about their childhood or what do I infer about their childhood? What would you say it's like being raised by. I would say I would say some degree of perfectionism was promoted. Okay, maybe that could be in some, but far more common, far more common is that when they were younger, right. They were not attractive. They were either heavy or whatever, you know, And that was the that's that's how they perceive themselves. Because at the youngest of ages, that's when our self narratives start to. Denote fair enough. And so I see that and you know and so they they don't have a set, they don't feel like a, you know, a privileged person or pretty person or a handsome person or something like that. Right? So it's so common that I do see that. And that's the power of our our past, of our childhood. And we've talked about this in so many other contexts, whether it's traumatic or whether it's whether was entitled or whatever else like that. It helps set the stage. It doesn't make it 100% that you're going to turn out this way, but it does lend to it makes you more susceptible to going certain ways. So that's one thing. Then the second thing, talk about pretty privilege. And again, I've said this to so many people, so I've had very many attractive as a female male as well, but it's more of a female with male. It manifests differently. Okay. But I'm going to ask you. Okay, There's a and we have done this before. I don't remember. Let's just say there's a I'm going to say the 25 year old strikingly beautiful woman at a restaurant, bar club, whatever. Right. And she has like she she has social anxiety so insecure. So she she withdraws. She's not you know, she's she's not having a big smile or whatever. She's she's withdrawn into herself because of the crippling anxiety or insecurity. What will most males and females, probably particularly females, just because of how evolution works in competition and judgment and so on. But what do they interpret about her? Out of work? She's a bitch. She's a bitch. Exactly. And I say that to my patients. They go, and if you are unattractive and you're acting the same way, they're just thinking, that makes sense. Okay. Because. Right. So that's an example of pretty privilege that the dark side of it that to make people make all these false assumptions about the person is automatic. Okay? And most people don't step back and go, well, hmm, maybe they do have anxiety or whatever unless the perception. Maybe there's layers to this human being that go beyond how they look. Exactly. But that's the power of stereotype, the power of scripts and schema schemata, where it's just this program. We just we see something, we're pattern recognition machines. I think we've talked about this before. We are pattern witness. So if you see such an obvious pattern of attractive, we make all these assumptions about the person. And so for somebody who is conventionally attractive, whether as a child or as an adult, whenever to have these burdens put on them. Right. It's not people I guess it's some people are going to think, wow, what a burden they think of the cost benefit analysis. But for a lot of tall people, the assumption is they must be good at certain sports, like basketball or volleyball or whatever. Like that's an assumption. And when you don't play out that way, there's a heavier Bert, like, let's say, Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a feeling of not, not measuring up to this expectation unintended. Oh, yeah. So another darker side of this pretty privileged concept, and I know that this is controversial, so I want to approach it with empathy, but I think that it's gone perhaps too far in the other direction where, you know, there's advertisements in magazines and online that obesity and unhealthy lifestyles are aspirational and and beautiful. And I'm not saying that such people are not beautiful. I want to be abundantly clear about that. But again, it's the promotion of this unhealthy lifestyle. I can't remember what magazine it was on, but I just saw a cover. I think it was an older cover, but it said obesity is healthy and it literally had an obese individual on there like doing a ballet pose. And it was saying that obesity is healthy. In what world? There is no science that supports the fact that, you know, being unhealthily overweight is good for one's body and long term health. I can see the spirit of this because, again, you know, we we live in a world where there is a very narrow expectation of I'll use women as an example, how women should look and what's deemed attractive. So I get it. I get where it's coming from, but it's it's too much in the other direction. Well, again, black and white, it's told like and it's interesting. We have to take that to another level where, oh, I forget the name of that I think is a neurologist. He was on the Chris Williams Chris Williamson's podcast, very intelligent, very engaging. I really liked him, but he was talking and he's not the only person. But and I understand why they're saying this, but they're talking about they say there's literally no such thing as free will. Okay, because it's all about genetics, epigenetics, your, your history, where you were born, all this other stuff. And they say so because of all this, you know, you have no choice but to go a certain. Okay. And what they're saying is, when I was listening to him, he said it was such empathy. What he was trying to say was that we shouldn't just judge people for who they are. We, you, we shouldn't. And if you happen to be really successful or whatever, don't think that you're a special person. I just recognize that you had certain privileges, you know, born in this place, having certain parents had certain genes, whatever. Right. So I get all that. Here's where black and white comes in, though. So the point that he's trying to make and others like him are saying they don't just be so judgmental, have some more compassion is how some they don't have simplistic solutions. Like, you know, if someone is heavy or overweight or you say, well, stop eating so much. Well, the fact is they have certain genes that make food more appealing to them, that they're not satiated like other people, like there's all these different factors. I get it. But the fact is to say, well, because of that just throw your hands up and say, no, we're going to go in the opposite direction, say, well, no, obesity is actually a good thing. Right? And then when you look at all the people who were formerly overweight or obese or whatever, I'm not speaking again, we don't want to use anecdotes to to, you know, to to say that this should be the way for everybody. Right. But so many people said if no one had ever told me, hey, guess what? You know, you're not attractive or you're unhealthy or, you know, you look like a slob or you're not going to get a job looking that way or people are going to judge. If people hadn't said that, whether it was an empathetic way or in a cruel way, they said, no, I would not have made the right changes because there are some changes you could make. Right. And yes, if your genes are a certain way, if you have certain proclivities and so on, it makes it harder to do something or to not do something. But it doesn't make it impossible in most cases. Right. And that's the concern with this, again, is seeing this body positivity movement, everything. No, we shouldn't shame somebody. And there were videos before someone I think lost her job because she was in a change room and she was like taking a video of someone who was overweight and they just like making fun of her. That's reprehensible. That's horrible. Eating. What kind of person would do that? Okay. So it's just it tells you about that person's character or the state of mind at that time. Right. So on the one hand, we shouldn't be doing that. But again, going doing a 180 and saying, well, we should glorify this person. No, find some happy medium. And that's why one of the reasons you and I made this podcast was to try to find all the gray and nuance in between the black and the white. Yeah, Yeah. We don't want to celebrate complacency, right? It's about acknowledging that maybe something is harder for you, but there's almost always a way around it, right. And we don't want to. Going back to that, what I said earlier about rationalize, we don't want to rationalize someone's, you know, lack of effort or bad, you know, choices and so on. And by the way, and we've talked about another podcast, but just to throw this out one more time, this whole rationalization, the fact that people now automatically will say, well, no, you can't say that because intersectionality don't you know that not only does this person to have this problem, but they also happen to have this color skin or this sexual orientation or blah, blah, blah, blah. Therefore it's by nature, you know, we can't even talk about this now. You're a racist or now you're homophobic or whatever. It's like, No, we can recognize that these things might have an impact. But as you said a second ago, it doesn't mean that they shouldn't try their hardest to elevate themselves for themselves, for the you know, for whoever whatever, you know, reason. But again, just throwing up your hands and saying if you even dare question or even dare talk, you don't even question, even talk about it. Now you are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, blah, blah, blah. Right. And this is what's happened. And this is why I said earlier, think about the people who started that type of messaging. Take a look at them. They were not people who learned to adapt to their early circumstances. Now they are people who are resentful and decided to take their past traumas, their past adversities, their past, you know, disappointments and difficulties and now are using those as a weapon to beat down everybody else. It's so obvious in so many of these cases, there are probably exceptions. I'm sure there are. And by the way, people later on who jump on the bandwagon that's just weak minded. That's just people, you know, who are sheep. So you can find many people, Oh, that person is very attractive, but they're, you know, espousing the same garbage. Well, that's because whether for, you know, for, for validation, whether they want to, you know, get virtue signal points, whether their job depends on it, whether they, you know, their cognitive dissonance reduction forces them to see things a certain way because they bought into, for whatever reason, those people, again, they came later on. I'm talking about the people who first started promoting so much of this. And again, there are exceptions. I want to be clear here. I'm not saying every single person, but more often than not, we see certain patterns we can recognize and we go, Oh, that's why they developed the way they did and why they're making these messages the way they are now. And again, it's having such a harmful impact on society and it's taking away self advocacy is taking away personal responsibility. Once again, I want to say one last time, I'm not just sitting here and say, well, I'll just pull up your bootstraps. Some people either. A It's almost impossible to do some cases it is impossible depending on what the circumstances are, okay, in the very rare cases, but in most cases it's just damn difficult, but not impossible. And for anybody to look at two different people who are from two different circumstances and to think that they should have the equal ability, equal motivation, equal opportunity and equal outcomes, that would be stupid, ridiculous, and just like not divorced from reality. So I'm not saying that. I'm just saying one person might have a much easier way of doing it, but it doesn't mean that the other person who has a much harder time shouldn't do it. And, you know, forgive us society's dictates or whatever. Do it for yourself because you will do better in life if you again, we're not I'm not talking attractive. I'm talking about health, I'm talking about exercise. I'm talking about very, you know, focusing on a goal and trying to it. That's what we're talking about, self-improvement, whatever form it takes. Yeah. And you know, to summarize what you said there, people can do hard things. We are equipped to do hard things, and that's okay. And, you know, I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, but we've talked about this so many times that, you know, expand your ability to deal with discomfort and you'll be amazed at what you can actually accomplish. Exactly. So with all this being said, let's talk about what people can do about this. So again, I said this from the get go. I recognize that perhaps it's an unpopular opinion, but the you know, the world is. But it is at the moment. And if we can identify, you know, whether it has to do with our appearance or otherwise, and I would say I'm leaning more towards looking at the person as a whole. But if we can identify areas of deficit, areas of strength and we can enhance those areas of strength, I think that that is our job as self-actualized human beings to to strive for that because everybody has things that they're great at, everybody has things that they're not so great at. But to wallow in this victimhood mentality of, well, you know, I this is how I am, and these are all the reasons that I am this way and society's against me. I'm just going to sit here and again, wallow. You're not serving anything, you know, to your benefit in that respect. Right. And and again, we're seeing all this with a lot of compassion and empathy. As always. It's not some simple solution. And one thing is one thing you can do. And unfortunately, people don't do this. Okay. But find somebody similar to you who did achieve who did rise above their circumstance. You know, use them as your role model. But most people do is they'll say, oh, they must have had some advantage or they cheated, or the people have a hard time recognizing that, you know, humans have a great capacity for overcoming adversity. Not easy, but it can be very difficult and maybe you won't succeed. But find someone, as I said, who who motivates you, whether it's a person that you actually know or some of that you heard about or something like that. And don't look, don't try to find all these rationalizations to to to exonerate you, to to make you not have to think about what's my own role in all of this? How can I do better for myself? Because the reality is, in the end, very rarely can you depend on other people exclusively for your betterment. But for the most part you can't. You need to. In the end, it always boils down to what can what do I need to do? What can I do for myself? Okay. And you know, I have so many podcasts. We've talked about the different ways people can advocate for themselves. So that's one path. And as you say, the other path is just to wallow in misery and, resentment. Okay. Right. And and that's not healthy. And sadly, though, that is what's being rewarded in society for the last number of years. And that's one of the reasons we did this podcast that the the the self-efficacy, the self advocacy, the self agency that is no longer being rewarded. I mean, you get you derive the benefits, you derive the rewards yourself. But that's not the messaging being provided to children through Tik Tok on TV or whatever else. No, the message is the world hierarchical, colonialism, white superiority, you know, blah, blah, blah. And so it's unfair. If you don't have all of these different privileges, then you're screwed, right? And you and I are trying to say, no, no, no. It might make it more difficult. But A, the people who do have these privileges, there's other things that are working against them. And B, if you don't have them, find ways, make your own privilege. I get privilege. Long word, but make your own advantage. Yes, absolutely. So we want to hear what our listeners think about this. What do you think about pretty privilege? Is it a thing? Is it not a thing? Did we miss something? Let us know in the comments what you think. And if you want to hear more about this topic. All right. And on that note, until next time, keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.