Relationship Roulette: Are These Tests Manipulative?

So I thought it was okay. Is she trying to gauge if he's an ethical person? That's where I thought it was going with. Okay, well, you walk by a field, would you take them somewhere? Sounds like a question you'd ask like a small child about stealing or shoplifting. Hello and welcome to Awake at the Wheel. So just the other day I was reading that apparently there are a number of tick tock trends that are, quote, ruining people's relationships. So in doing some reading here, I guess there's these things called tests that people do. And these tests are actions that they perform harm and there is a desired response from one's partner. And if they don't do that, you should breakup or dump them or they're not right for you. But there's, you know, as we've spoken about before, lots and lots of bad advice out there about relationships. So although I don't know which ones we're going to be viewing today, I surmise it is among amongst that bad advice that we've seen before. So without further ado, should we jump into the first one or do you have any thoughts on that before we do so? I can't wait to see what we're going to watch. All right. Let's let's see the first test and we'll discuss what we think about it. I really want an orange right now. All right. I hear you both. I got you, buddy. You go get me. No, but like I. I really want it. But, like, I hate peeling it. Yelling it. Yeah, it just gets really messy. Okay. And I have nails. It'll get, like, underneath come. Off, like my glandular. You're not going to peel it for me, dude. Okay. As if I don't do enough. Seriously? Yeah. I mean, for you, like. You can't fucking peel this orange for me. Dude, I ask you to do things like I do everything. I just did your fucking laundry. No. And you can't peel this for me. Come on. Seriously? so you. You're like. dude. So it's all about what your man could do for you. It's about what you can do for yourself, right? No, but, like, a good boyfriend would peel this for me or, like, do something for me, and then I'm perfectly capable of. Obviously, I can peel this, but, like, if your. Boyfriend would tell you, do yourself another good boyfriend. I'm a great one, and I'm trying to make you strong and independent and build you up as a female. Well, that's the point. I can do it. I can do it myself. But like the point is that you would do it for me as I can I. But then you. But then you wake up and you realize, you know, that you can actually just do it yourself. And like, you're not even that special. That's the thing, is that get that in your fucking skull, dude. Like, you're really not that special. Then I'll just fill this orange for myself, then. Let me go ahead. you wanna. boy. gosh. I don't even know where to start. So if this is a true representation of their relationship, I don't think that the orange is a dealbreaker. I'll start with that. So I think the spirit of this, which you did touch on, was acts of service, which is one of the love languages created by Gary Chapman, discussed often by John and Julie Gottman. But it doesn't sound like this term acts of service. Is it part of their regular relationship vocabulary? Because the boyfriend in this situation didn't didn't say or acknowledge or anything. I think that this I don't even I have so many thoughts here. I can't even like formulated into one clear thing, but like just the sheer amount of disrespect from both of them, I think was was hugely problematic. And this whole idea of he was kind of throwing in her face that she should be independent. And if you want to be I don't know what his exact words were, but be a strong independent woman, then you should be able do that yourself, which she and turned said, well, you should be doing things for me, even if I can. So what I'm seeing there is a very clear discrepancy in their values about who should be doing what for whom and why and how in the relationships. That's a, you know, a big one that stands out to me. But I think at the crux of it here, there's three things I'm noticing clear lack of clear communication, clear lack of respect for one another. And as far as you know, let's say two, those are the two main ones at all. I'll leave it out for now. Okay. So, gosh, I'm going to try to offer I'll just say a few things and then I'll let you take over, because otherwise I can go on for hours on this one. All right. So if I had to choose who is the bigger jerk he is for sure. Okay. If this is real, the thing is, like, even when he says something, what he said to her, like, you know, not even that special, she didn't react. Okay, So either she's heard that many times or this is unfortunately, like so much on social media, just something that they made up. Because even the way she's talking, she does not sound like she's being genuine. Okay. She sounds like she's acting. However, she knows the camera's there. So that might be why she's speaking that way. He I mean, if he's acting, he's not he's doing a better job than she is, right? I mean, he might be legitimate, but the point is, people have to recognize so much of this is garbage. People are manipulating you just for their clicks likes and the monetary benefits that they get from that. Right. So let's just be mindful of that. But again, if I if this was real, I think he's being the bigger jerk, number one. Number two, I think I said this on another podcast, but I think it's so important because you mentioned like the acts of service and the respect. So I believe I've done this before, but I'll say it one more time. I think it's really important for people to understand so we can go from these simple videos to actually more profound things about relationships. So I always talk with my couples or someone who's in a relationship about the inequity that can be felt in the relationship. Now, again, I do want to go to too much, will integrate all this into the podcast, but there are four main factors I see it's three plus one. I put this three factors together, and when I asked so many people, a lot of them mentioned this fourth one, which is respect. Okay, so it doesn't quite fit into the three that I'm allowed to talk about, but just because so many people mention it, I go, okay, these are kind of the building blocks of inequity and therefore resentment in the relationship, and we'll talk about resentment afterward. Okay. So we'll put that on the table for now or on the show for now. But so what I say is when you have these four factors, three plus one and not any individual one, but all together, when you take them all together and you see how much each of you has in the relationship compared to the other, again, all told to see what those four are in a second. Okay. We never expect them to be equal. That's why I do like a bracket. Okay. So someone is going to have more than the others. Impossible on any factor in a relationship to be absolutely equal. Right? So but we have a range and if one person feels that their range out of those four factors, we take them all together is significantly higher than the other person they feel. Wait a second, this relationship is out of kilter, it's out of whack. And again, it fuels resentment because it feels unequal. Okay. And the four factors. So there is the respect is one. Okay. And as you can see there, there's no respect there, although I would think she may have a bit more respect than him and she was being trigger. But if that's really who he is, why it's he's devoid of any respect and the arrogance and everything will go into that. So here's the three factors commitment. Okay. Feeling that there's committing to the relationship to the other person investment, which is basically everything that you do. And then there's a flipside of investment, which is sacrifice, because and here's the thing. So if someone is let's say you're both working and the woman decides or you both have children and the woman has to, you know, let's say, take a pause in her career to have a children. You know, that's a sacrifice. It's a sacrifice. You sacrificing her identity, her finances or career and so on. But if you turn around and go, but she's actually investing in the family. She's investing in the future. Right. But sometimes a sacrifice. It's impossible for the person to see it as anything other than a sacrifice. Right. So as much as people don't like it, the reality is we keep score. Some people literally keep score. But most people, we have a sense of that sort of thing about this balance. So again, if I feel that I sacrificed so much for you and in return, I'm not feeling either the investment or the sacrifice or the commitment. Right. Or the respect, then there's no reciprocity. Human relations are born. Animal relationships are born, you know, are built on reciprocity. There has to be that give and take. So I'm just saying to everybody, and I use this to my patients all the time, if you talk about all the specific stuff that you do, that's one thing. But if you have these just these fundamental factors in overall, how much do you feel that we we each invest sacrifice for the relationship? How much commitment is there? Do you really feel invested? Does the first person look like they're really investing in the relationship and is the respect? And if it's like I said, if if it's unbalanced, there's going to be so much resentment. And in this case, we can see like, wow, like, yeah. So anyway, that's I'll start with that. Just, you know, again so that people can move away from the stupid video and think about their own relationships based on those four factors and whether there's imbalance or not. Yeah, but back to the stupid video of all four of those are clearly completely out of whack. And as far as the whole keeping score, I think that's something that really stood out to me too, where she said, I do all this effing stuff for you and you can't even peel an orange for me. Right? There's there's obviously an imbalance of, you know, who's sacrificing what for whom. That statement show is a complete blatant level of disrespect from both of them, because it's not healthy either to throw things into one's face, even if you are keeping score or even if there is that imbalance, that's not a healthy way of communicating that imbalance. So all four of those are just completely out of whack. Exactly. And now going back to him and again, I go on a whole tangent here, but there are so many young men today. Either I hear about them from their partners or I'm talking with them and I'm going, What the hell is wrong with you? Where? Because they're learning these types of things that he's talking about from the manosphere or the womanosphere. I don't even know what to call it for the women. Okay. But there's just such these divisions where they're saying that, you know, this is what you should do. This is what you should expect from your partner. It's like this stupid test, you know, So for him saying, well, you know, again, he's trying to convince her that he's doing something that's good for her. Right. You know, I'm trying to make it like an independent woman or whatever. And he could not even understand that she's saying, Yeah, but when you do something that the other person can do, but it's an act of service, right? He didn't get that at all. So that's a lack of empathy. And for people to understand empathy is not feeling sorry for someone or feeling someone's pain. Empathy is truly understanding or trying to understand the other person's perspective. That's cognitive empathy. And he had none of it. He was just, you know, trying to defend his point and again, assuming this is all real, this is real. I'm going to tell you now. So I'm just saying, if I saw this in session, I would be saying you need to really change your perspective. This is and again, that's almost gaslighting. Okay. It's not actual gaslighting. I know the term gets misused, but if this like this idea that he's trying to frame whatever the hell he's doing right, as opposed as if she knows that. He's framing his mistreatment as a positive and as being helpful. Right, Exactly. And to make her a better person, basically. Right. He he's you know, he's the one who's going to elevate her. I'm trying to elevate you like that is a type, like I said, that type of gaslighting not. And if that's a reflection of the other ways he conducts himself, then, you know, she really has to question why is she in this relationship. So, yeah, it's just that it that's an unhealthy relationship. Can't diagnose from afar but like sorry that's an unhealthy dynamic, let's say. And if that's reflective of the relationship, then it's a really unhealthy relationship. Yeah. You know, on the off chance that it's just a bad day. Okay, fine. But chances are that if this is a real video and these are real behaviors, that is a representation of a very unhealthy dynamic in a relationship, for sure. Yeah. So and by the way, here's the thing, the orange test. So I guess that now now we see what this is. So, yeah, if you ask someone to peel off for you and they won't, then it's like, well, depends on what the reasons are for that person not helping. Right? There can be a bunch of different reasons. So in this case, like by the way, when he says, I do so many things for you and so on, is it possible to give him one sliver of benefit of the doubt? Is it possible that truly he does invest and sacrifice a lot for her? The respect we can see is not there unless he just snapped. Okay. But maybe he does all these things. Maybe so committed to her and he's not seeing it from her. And that was just him snapping. I don't get that sense. I'm just giving a little for the benefit of the doubt. But that could have been possible because, you know, you and I, we always try to bring nuance and we try to take a comprehensive approach. We don't want to just take a black and white approach to these kinds of things. So I'm saying some people could have an off day. So what I was going to say was, if you have an orange test or something else, I always tell my patients, I say, if this is who they really are, run like hell, Yeah, because that really not a healthy partnership. If, however it is, I see them. So say see, you have to think about that. I'm not talking to the OR and we're talking like sometimes there's some terrible things that go on. I go if that's who they really are. And they did that knowingly, consciously, you know, willingly and so on, then you should really question what's going on here. But the alternative is that it's circumstance, it's it can come at a bad moment, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. So again, it's possible that that's happening here. But like I said, I just see this guy as a complete lot of all these people fill in the blank. And I guess one thing I'll add here, if you're looking at the hypothetical possibilities, you know, if somebody is saying and I think this is essentially what you were alluding to as well, but if somebody is constantly asking their partner to do absolutely everything for them and they're not doing anything to reciprocate, then I could see maybe somebody would snap or not want to, you know, assist or engage or whatever the case may be. Right. and one last thing again, just because of the way she was acting, okay? Maybe it's because of the camera. I don't know if she's an influencer. I don't know if she's doing this all the time. Okay. But perhaps that, you know, she maybe she's manipulative. Yeah. Maybe you feel that she's testing him all the time or she's doing this crap that she sees online, Although, again, we don't know anything about these people. So she's put these out as a possibility because I just don't want anyone watching this. You got that's a great idea. Like, I said, think about the back story, whether about the videos or about your own situation. So what I was going to say was if someone asked them to do, you know, to peel the orange and they say no, it's not the no, that's irrelevant. It's the why. Yeah. And I guess what I'll add to is this whole idea of of tests, I think is I don't know what word to use. It's, it's gross. Like, I don't think that that's a healthy thing to do. And I understand that in some ways we are testing the limits of relationships and the dynamics and so on and so forth, but it's manipulative to do it in such a way where you have a specific agenda and a specific outcome that's being expected and not to mention if the advice out there online is break up with them. If they don't. Well, that that's a real problem. Yeah. Yes. And one more thing, which is very new. It's only the last generation, which is so many of these discussions that you do see online, whether it's a test or just a conflict, is being recorded. Yeah. The minute you're recording this is like the the experimenter effect, the minute that you are recording something. The I mean, sometimes after a few seconds, the people seem to get really into it and then the camera or the phone is no longer relevant. But it does have an impact. And if she knows again, it maybe she's test him a number of times and, you know, maybe he's playing up to the camera or something. she's doing it again. And he's just had it. I don't know. But I'm telling you right now, when we see people recording everything right, it's going to make the other person react like it's intrusive. Yeah, we're having this private discussion and you're recording it. Are you livestreaming it? Or you can use this against me. And by the way, I've had patients where I said therapeutic bleep. You should record the discussions. You should, because it can help each of you. It's not got you. It's like, wow, I thought I said this, but I realize I didn't say that or I said it, but my tone was so off. Or if especially with the video and John Gottman, who, you know, who you referenced earlier, made it, made a fortune off of this, which is, you know, watching the person's facial features, rolling the eyes, other signs of, you know, that are subtle or not so subtle, but the other person's catching and so on. Right. So it can if it's done for your own benefits, great. But if it's being, that's a tool. In most of these cases we see it's been used as a weapon. Absolutely. Okay. So with that, let's watch the next one. To answer honestly. Okay. If you were walking past the Strawberry Fields, would you take a strawberry and eat it if you were really hungry? No. You wouldn't. No. You think I would? You were, like, walking there with strawberry. You wouldn't grab it and pick it up? No, because I feel like I want to wash it. But if you grabbed it and you watched it for it, how how many would you pick? Like, how many would you like? A field of strawberry field. How many of. Are you going to do? What if there was, like, a fence. That blocked it? Yeah. Then no. You would only eat it if it was easy to get. God, no. Well, my. Answer to the question, please. You would only. I would not use it. I would not. This is me asking the question. Okay. You said what you said already. So you would. Not be strawberry. You would want it that nobody. Strawberries again. You're interrupting. You would only get it if it was easy. Correct. No. Look at the camera. Stop looking at me. So you said you'd pick up about five of them if they were easy to get, correct? Correct. Yes. Okay. So you would see if it was easy for you? No, no, I knew you tried it. No, that's. Basically what you. Said. I'm not touching nobody's strawberries. You're good. Except yours. that's such bullshit. my gosh. I like. it's. So she wouldn't even let him refine his response once he had contacts. Like, that's not a test. That's a trap. That's terrible. It's so horrible. And it sounded like once he had the contacts, he was like, okay, wait, let me actually refine my response. And she just wasn't having it. And I guess the point of the strawberry test is to see if your person is going to cheat. I, I, I'll let you go or any to formulate my thoughts. This is ridiculous. Okay. Well, I'm going to ask our producer afterward to give me that video because I want to find this person, this woman. Okay. That is just reprehensible on all fronts. And now that looked legitimate. That was a real right. That's a real video. This poor guy. Sorry again. I don't know these people. I can't diagnose or anything like that. But if that's how she conducts herself, I don't know. If she was my patient, I'd be telling him to run now. Of course, I get contacts, etc.. But if that was a reflection of how she acts and even she said, Don't look at me, look at the camera, why he's trying to have a face to face actual discussion with you are you the professional or are you the expert or you are you the interrogator? And as soon as he realized there was context, right. And by the way, I didn't even know she's asking about it when he's saying about the field. At first I thought. Okay, I didn't get it. And I still don't even know, by the way, is this is supposed to be about cheating because is it about greed? Like, what do you take 20 or 30? What you share with other people? Is it about I don't even know why she was a cheat? Okay, so this statement, cheating is so stupid. Is it about, you know, do you know, like the fence again, is this question. I do this again. I want to find out more about the strawberry test now because is like if someone hears fence, it means one of two things. Either it's private property, therefore I don't want to, you know, again, infringe on their space, which is what he took it as or some people what she was saying about you would only cheat if it's easy or you only think it was easy. So is it that I'm not willing to put the effort in? And is it about is that is supposed to be the effort for the relationship? Is it effort in general or is it effort to cheat? It's just it makes no sense. And was. A stupid, stupid. So stupid and and that was exactly where my train of thought went to at first because I again, we I've never seen this You've never seen this before. So I thought it was okay. Is she trying to gauge if he's an ethical person? That's where I thought it was going with. Okay, well, you walk by a field, would you take them somewhere? Sounds like a question you'd ask like a small child about stealing or shoplifting. Right. But yeah, I took it as. Okay, well, then, if there's a fence. No, you're not going to cross the fence because it's somebody else's property and you wouldn't violate that private property. That was where my mind went. But then as soon as she gave that context, that doesn't even make sense. So the context that she provided saying, well, if it's if it's easy to do, then you would do it. But I don't see the connection. I really don't. And I'm just angry. Yeah. And what about that one or five or ten? What's the relevance? It's like, so now, you know, I've assessed thousands of people using valid psychometric testing, and I also use what's called projective testing, the famous Rorschach inkblot and the thematic perception test, which people can argue and question everything like that. I won't even get into all of that. But the fact is, with that projective testing, there, there's a standardized testing, there's scores, there's algorithms, there's computations, like there's it is actually pretty valid. Okay. The other one that somatic perception test. And so again, what I see, the roszak is basically ambiguous art. And you have to say what you see and it's not that simple. It's I hate when they do it in movies or TV shows because they always butcher it. Right. I'm offended as someone who's done this for many years. But the point is there is a science behind it. And then the thematic art perception test where you see pictures and you tell stories about it. All right. It's less sciency. I see. It's as much art as it is science. But I'll tell you, interestingly, because I've done this with so many people and I do a simulated version in class, right? I don't know, like, they'll take someone I don't even know. And I'm able to tell something like really profound about that person based on this test without knowing anything about them. There's limitations. Okay, But I've defended this in court many times. The point is, these are projective tests. So what I'm saying is I am highly qualified to do these tests. I've done them on thousands of people. I spent much of my life doing them so I can see an answer. I can ask the right questions and I can tell a lot about you. These types of tests. Okay, Again, because you don't even know what they're looking for. I'm sure that that they these people ignorantly or naively see them online and they're told, this is going to tell you this, this this is about the person, okay, No, it won't. If it's a projective test. Right. You need to be an expert to understand what these answers mean or don't mean. Okay. And you have to ask the right questions. What she was doing was it was so wrong about it. And years ago, I think was 2003 or four. It could be wrong. But there was a book called The Game The Pickup Artist Guide to I Forget, I think it was no, sorry was a secret. Look, I'm sorry it was a look or something that into the secret society of pickup artists. All right. I forget the guy who wrote it. It was based on one of the main characters was Mystery is actually from Toronto. And then they had this TV show, The Game, back in the day 20 years ago. Everybody, every male had read it and women had not. So they were using these these techniques. And there was I think I think it's from the game called the Cube. You're walking along the beach and you see a cube and then they ask questions. Is it is it on the ground? Is it elevated? Is it really elevated? Is it opaque? Is it clear? Is it large? Is it small? Are you on the inside? There's all these different questions and it's supposed to tell you about a person's personality. Those other ones you're walking through lake the story, you're walking along, you see a body of water. Is it a pond? Is it a river? Is it a ocean? Right. There's all these types of projective tests and they are projective tests. And again, if someone actually took any of these types of scenarios and did proper testing, asked it tens, hundreds of thousands of people about it, got their responses so that people who are male or female, you know, let's say depressed or not depressed, psychopathic or not, and if they saw patterns, then you could start making, you know, maybe a valid test, right. But in all these case, I'm not saying this to anyone who ever thinks about doing these tests. Right. They are as invalid as can be. They can be fun. And, you know, it's just it's like interpreting dreams, right? There's the right way, the wrong way to do it. If you have a dream book, you say, well, you dreamed you dreamt about drowning, therefore it means well, then you're doing it wrong. Because even Carl Jung, the master of Dream analysis, said, and again, I know it sounds like I'm going on tangent, but this for anyone who ever thinks about in these tests, even he said, okay, before you do your first dream analysis, you said this to a students. He said, Learn everything you can about dreams. Learn what you can about history, archeology, you know, science, all these things, culture. Because you want to be able to understand what these symbols can mean. And then he said, When you have your first patient, throw it all at the window because none of it's relevant except for, as you know, in response or in relation or in relation to the other person, to their own subjective, idiosyncratic experiences and interpretations. Right. So it's the same with this. It can say certain things, but you have to be so careful because it's more likely not. And in this case, okay, in this case, you know, this test tells me with I have no doubt, you know what this test tells me about without a shadow of a doubt. I maybe this is what you're thinking or maybe not, but it tells me about her insecurities. As you say about her. Yes. Exactly how whatever words we want to use. But yes, about let's see her flaws for short. That's what it tells us about. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah, yeah. So and I was going to make the exact same point as far as you know, these are not psychometric measures. There's no evidence or data or research backing the validity of these. So they're trashed. Long story short. And again, if it's done for fun, great. And by the way, with my students, I used to joke with them because I would tell them stuff that they could do. I used to joke around saying that the game, the book, a lot of these techniques that they have, if anyone has ever thinking about the book, I used to say, read the book for the skills that they provide, for the insights into how to put yourself out there, ask questions, become popular, I say. So you take all that and filter out all this other stuff, which is basically how to pick on people's insecurities and how to make them second guess themselves. If you take if you filter out the part about being an asshole, it can actually be helpful for someone who has social insecurities because there's a tool bag that you can use to really, you know, to put yourself out there, right? So I think that's great. So what I used, I used to joke and say that, that, that since mysteries from Toronto, I said, you must have been one of my students because some of the stuff that they use there I talked about that in class maybe not the exact same technique, but the same type of approach. What I'm saying is if you have these kind of games and you do them for fun, that's great, right? Talk about a joke about it, whatever else like that. But don't put any stock in it. Right. And by the way, with the with the the five love languages, I will say one thing since you brought it up, speaking of fun. So I used that with my patients all the time. If you look, you know, it's it's faith based, whatever that means. The quiz itself is sometimes infuriating, is forced choice. You know, I would rather my partner, I say, buy me dinner or give me a massage. Okay. And a lot of times it's like, I don't care for either. Like, I've done the test. Okay, So but other times, the point is what I say is if you're going to do it, it's free, it's online. You can find it. Okay, I say do it twice. And I can't believe that they Gary Chapman doesn't say this on the site. You do it twice. You do it for yourself. And I think it's like 30 questions, maybe fourth choice, right? So you do how you would answer and then you do it one more time for how you think your partner will answer. And your partner does the same thing you do separately. And then you get together and you look at the results and you see how well you know each other. It's a great relationship building exercise. As long as you do it collaboratively. It's not a competition. Everyone's always a competition. Okay, fine. Yes, get some fun with it. But you can't use as it. Got you. I can't believe you didn't know that. You know, I'm a taxi service or physical, you know, So I tell people you can use it that way and it can be very helpful. Again, any of these things can be a tool or a weapon. Yeah. All right. She was using this as a weapon and cheese, Louise. And but the way she was using it, it was like she's trying to stab him with a shotgun. I mean, like, she's just so that's a weird metaphor, but she was just so incompetent using it. Just so. like, that's. I have nothing but negative things to say about how she conducted herself. I feel so sorry for that guy. And again, I want to find out from our producer. I want to watch the video. I want to follow up, see what happened, see if he just ran from her and saved himself a lot of headaches. Yeah. Because, again, if that is a true representation of who? Eric, he seemed like a nice enough guy answering her questions that she was controlling. Her tone was just, like, so rude and demeaning. And I can't imagine what that relationship looks like. That you're like, No, you're interrupting him. He's just trying to like he doesn't only get caught in a trap. Yeah, right. You're interrupting me. Like, look at the camera. She's crazy. Okay. All right, so let's let's watch the next infuriating one. Apparently a lot of people don't know what the Bird's Nest is, which I'm sure there's like a better name for it. But that's wild to me because I live and die by the fucking bird's nest. Okay? Because it never fails. And if you don't know what the bird test is, it's like a test to gauge, like whether or not a relationship will be successful. And usually it's in the context of a romantic relationship. But I always do this with, like, friends, family members, literally anyone that I meet, if they pass the bird test, I tell them so fast because the shit is so fascinating. And I'll give you an example. I meet this girl, we start becoming like newer friends, and we go to Starbucks. One day we're sitting at this table at Starbucks and I'm looking out the window and I see a woodpecker and and she and I'm like, Holy shit, there's a woodpecker in that tree. This girl whips around so fast. She's like, Where I kid you? Not for the next 10 minutes. The two of us stared out the Starbucks window just watching this woodpecker fucking peck away at this tree while we googled random facts about woodpeckers. Now, the bird test states that if you're with someone who ever going to do the test with romantic or not, if you say something that could be deemed like insignificant and your partner responds with like genuine curiosity, like what woodpecker Where? That's a really good sign that a relationship will last a long time. But if they, like, blow you off, they don't acknowledge you and are just like, go and cool like a woodpecker. That's a really bad sign. And again, it's for romantic relationships that I'm telling you, Do this with your friends, do this with your family members, because that girl and I still homies as fuck, right? The bird test never fucking fails. Okay? Okay. So I don't like her, but I do actually think that there's some validity, quite a bit of validity to what she's saying there. So back to John Gottman, something he talks that often are bids for affections. I think that's what this bird test is, is based on at least in part where we make bids to our partners. It can happen in friendships too, just like she said. But talking about something that is of interest to us, even if it's not of interest to our partner, them showing that genuine interest and desire to engage is incredibly important. So I'll give her that. And you're so funny when she said Burt's like, Well, but as soon as she started saying the story, I said, my gosh, a patient, just like literally the other day, one or two days ago was talking about using the bird test. She was saying hypothetically, in a bubble, and if I'm looking at a bird in my partner, so she must have read the bird that now, now it makes sense. I've got to remember, I got to go to my roster and see who it was before. And I say to her now I see what you're talking about. But yeah, and the way she was talking about it, yeah, she and she didn't make it like this person, like, my God. But she just threw it off casually. But she was saying exactly what you said, which was. Yeah. If your partner shows no interest in even these minor things or. And the thing is, that's a great litmus test. But the fact is and we talk about this or we you know, we see this in couples therapy all the time where, you know, just feeling that the partner is not. That goes back to my thing about the invested. They're not invested in the relationship. They would be more of a commitment because it's not that they're why is the word investment. There's two types. There's the investments I make versus being invested. So if I say being invested, that's the commitment. So yes, if someone is not, it's not perfect because someone could be completely committed to the relationship, but they're not really that interested in what the other person has to say. So maybe they like the idea of a family or the idea of a relationship or whatever like that. But the person, him or herself is not that interesting and so on. So I'm sorry, I want to rant too much, but I do think that that is a great again, I agree with you. I didn't like her at all. But I love that notion and I just love it more. Like I said, one of my patients just talked about that the other day. Yeah. So one thing I'll add, though, that I think could potentially be problematic down the road. So she said, talking about this friendship and now they're quote, homies as fuck because of this interaction. Well, I don't know if we can chalk that up to being best friends forever and ever because of interactions, strictly because of interactions like that. And not to mention that when we're talking with the contact sort of romantic relationships, people may be more invested or appear to be more invested or interested or intrigued in the earlier stages because they're trying to, you know, put their best foot forward. So, you know, being very mindful of that, it should continue throughout the relationship. But, A, it's not the only determining factor of a great relationship. And B, it may fizzle out as time goes on because that's not unusual in a long term relationship, but it's important nonetheless. Right. So the presence does not mean that it's going to be a lasting great relationship. But the absence is something. Exactly. Yes. Right. Yeah. And and to again, just to expand expand a little bit based on what you're saying. Yes. This new relationship, energy or nry that people talk about, that of course, you're putting your best foot. And so if someone doesn't show interest, whether it's a date, whether you're meeting somebody, Right. If they can't even muster that much energy to pretend to be interested, that's a great warning sign. Like, well, and that's like just so a know the final year we talked about psychometric psychometric testing. I want to add something there that I won't get to the back story, but let's just say that a lot of companies use tests that are supposed to be able to screen out, you know, bad employees or get the best employees or things like that. And they have these validity scales. Well, again, as someone who has used these tests and it's taught about this test for many years, thousands of times, the fact is these validity scales I know a little side note, a little tangent here, but it might be interesting, these validity scales. If you have any social savvy at all, you will not get caught on the lie scale, but you're trying to make yourself look good. You know what I can say to make myself look good? That's reasonable versus trying to make myself look good, that nobody would ever, you know, say something like that. Okay, So there's those kinds of questions. So here's the funny thing with these companies, when they would say they would have these tests and they say you can increase productivity by 10% by get or 20% by getting the best people, blah, blah, they're not getting the best. What they're doing is they're getting anyone who can't fake well enough on this test. They're not they're not going to be a very good, productive worker because they don't have the intelligence or social savvy in most cases. Now, there could be exceptions, of course, but by and large, if you have like 10,000 people and you can you can weed out the ten, 20, 30% who again, just don't have the the the wherewithal to be able to answer the right question. It doesn't matter whether you would actually act that way. It's whether you have the ability to know how you're supposed to behave. So what they do is, again, they're not getting the best. They're just weeding out the worst. Okay. And that's how you get increased productivity. So just a little side note here about the, you know, the absence versus the presence kind of thing. So anyway. Yeah, up there. so with these three videos, I think that there's, you know, something that people can take away, or at least what I've taken away from these is that people are looking for guidance on whether or not to determine if their relationship is is good or not. But the problem with these is that it puts people into boxes. It's overly general. And like we've been talking about here, they're not valid. And what I mean by valid is and you know, in the sense of being repeatable, being predictable in terms of what characteristics would lead to what outcome, there's none of that here. So in fact, and we've been saying this essentially, but I'll say it bluntly, these are not helpful. In fact, they're harmful. Exactly. Unless it's done in the spirit of fun. Okay. And you recognize what you know, that if it opens up the conversation, let's say, about the strawberry thing, right. Instead of attacking him, she could have asked questions about, okay, well, what were you thinking? Blah, blah, What would make you more or less inclined to take it like things like that? Or why did you answer that? If done in that way, then it's it's it's informative only in a sense, or it's helpful only in the sense that it's leading to discussion. It's leading to an open, potentially open discussion. But the way it's being used here, yeah, just destructive. And for anyone to think that I'm going to find the answers on the Internet in this way with these basic simple tests, which again can have so many different interpretations, etc., that's just naive. And it's the same. I used to say to my students in class, I'd say, How many of you have taken the IQ tests online? And they put up their hands to say, okay, well, whatever your score was, take off 34, 30 points, okay. For believing that you could test your IQ validly online said you fail, you can't do that. So again, as someone who's tested people's intelligence for living, I know you can't do that if you've done that as well. Right. So now and by the way, again, one more thing once again for people, it's not black or white. So, for example, with intelligence testing, some of the tests that they do online, they are like they represent facets or small components of a broader, valid intelligence test. But there's other things that you cannot do online. You need to have all this other stuff. So it's only part of it. So same with these tests. As you say, it can give you some information, but it's really up to it's up for interpretation. Yeah. Okay. And again, unless you're an expert on interpreting these things, you shouldn't be doing that. So Absolutely. Yeah. So I guess our usual question of what can people do instead, these are good conversation starters, like you said, and the old cliche about relationships is communication, communication, communication. But you know, there's truth to it, but good communication. You know what these examples in these videos are examples of poor communication and communication that is intended to to trick people by engaging in conversations. As far as, you know, asking these hypothetical questions. I could see that actually starting a good, you know, giving a good idea to one another of how you would react. So let's say I did ask you to peel an orange. What would you do and why? And then creating some dialog around that I think could be helpful. Exactly. And it has to be done in good faith. Yes. And the person has to feel that it's safe to engage in this discussion. And, by the way, again, to try and broaden this beyond these stupid videos. I've had many patients where I've had to tell them, yes, the question that you asked is important. It's valid. You do want to know, but you have a certain tone or maybe it's late at night and you're not you're not being empathetic, You're not thinking, you know, this person wants to go to bed right now. It's not, you know,

00 in the morning is not the time to ask them all these questions and so on. So you're not getting the best them and so on. So, yes, as you say, it's not just about communication, it's about good communication, healthy communication, empathetic communication, productive communication. So yeah, anything that facilitates that is great. These can the the government sorry, not the government, the Chapman, the five love languages everyone calls it languages of love. I know it's the five love languages online. Find it, do the test, do it for yourself. Do it for your partner. Check the scores, see and use that again to to help in the relationship. And the final thing I want to say is, just as I mentioned it, but just one I've said it in other podcasts, so I'm just gonna say it very quickly, please. I deal with this so often and people don't like to hear because they have they don't understand what it means, but all of these videos that we're talking about, if you look at it, they are all about either they they represent or they can foster and foment resentment. Okay. And I'm going to say it one last time, resentment. All it means is if you really look at it, it just means I feel you have wronged me. And the important thing is I feel wronged and I'm upset about it. You can say upset. You can say hurt. Take your pick. But I feel you have wronged me. And the important thing is, if you feel you've been wronged, then your cave. Cave person DNA tells you get back at the person, whether it's through aggression, whether it's through passive aggression, whether it's through withdrawal, whether it's through saying things in ways that are, you know, are not as good as it could be. All right. Whether it's through, you know, cheating, whatever the case may be. Right. That always be mindful of the resentment you hold. And remember, resentment is either partially or sometimes completely unconscious. And if it's unconscious, it's often unfair. And it can be and irrational. Okay. So and if you're ever going to have a discussion with a partner about the resentments you hold. Okay. Because again, think about that. If I resent you and I feel you've wronged me, why would I elevate myself? Why would I sacrifice myself? Why, if I'm tired, why would I do more for you when I feel that you still have wronged me and I haven't got my justice, I haven't felt as it had been. Recourse I haven't felt has been compassion or understanding about my perspective. How can I, you know, force myself to overcome that resentment, whether it's a giant resentment, like if you've been cheated on or if it's a build up of all these laws, that it's over the years, it's become a mountain, right? How can I again, having to motivate myself to, overcome that mountain if I feel that that resentment is not being dealt with, it hurts. So just think about the role that resentment plays in the relationships. And again, these all these exercises for the bird one, right? Yeah, It's just it's pure resentment. That's that's what you're creating with these tests and everything like that, especially when the person is feeling manipulated or trapped and so on. Absolutely. Yeah. So we want to know from our listeners, what do you think of these tests? Do you think that they're something that you would try? Have you tried them let us know in the comments? And are there any other tests or. I'm sure there's more. Yeah. Okay. So on that note, until next time, keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.